the best love story I know

I know, I know I contradict myself a lot.

A few months back I described this country as a bad boyfriend and I’m sorry Indonesia, you aren’t bad. The truth is Indonesia is easily the love of my life.

I fell in love with this place somewhere around the age of 6 or 7. Yes, young love. Indonesian was the language offered at my primary school and for whatever reason, it fascinated me. My memories from my early days of learning Indonesian include repeatedly watching a documentary on Waterbomb Park in Bali and dreaming about going there (which I still haven’t got around to doing) and watching another video about some teenagers and laughing that they were listening to a band named ‘Gigi’ because I thought ‘teeth’ was a ridiculous band name (who knew that 15 years later I would watch that very band live).

As a six year old, my parents took me to the Indonesian embassy in Canberra. I mean it’s a building with some random information about Indonesia, but to me it was everything (look how happy I look). That’s what being in love with a country was like back then, I was always enthusiastic about my Indonesian studies, spending hours looking up things in the dictionary and probably driving my teachers crazy by asking them to translate random words.

it makes sense that this incredibly dorky kid would grow up to be the incredibly dorky adult I am today

At my primary school graduation, I won an award for the most enthusiastic Indonesian student in my school. I don’t keep in touch with anyone from my primary school, but I’m pretty sure I’m still the most enthusiastic Indonesian student to this day. J

I continued my Indonesian studies in high school. My favourite memories from high school were my teacher loosely translating “dude where’s my car” to “ay, dimana mobil?” and me saying that repeatedly, my crazy teacher who wrote weird songs in Indonesian, going by the name Kartini in class as we had to use Indonesian names (one of my classmates insisted on being called ‘Belalang’ for some reason) and Indonesian still being my favourite subject. At the end of my last 2 years of school, I also won awards for the top student in my class.

the Indonesian room was also the most beautiful classroom in my school

From that point, it made sense to continue studying Indonesian in university with the plan to one day become an Indonesian teacher in Australia.

I took a one year break from studying, so when I started university and I walked into a classroom that was fully in Indonesian, I was lost. I remember my first oral exam when my teacher asked what I thought of racism in Australia, all I could manage to say is “I’m not racist”. I was the worst student in my class… easily (and I’m not saying that, I seriously often had no idea what was going on in class).

But it wasn’t from a lack of effort. I spent my free time writing random stories in Indonesian and  listening to Indonesian music. I googled key words such as “lagu cinta” (love song) and downloaded random songs. That’s how I started listening to Rossa, Peterpan and Sheila on 7. And all the songs I listened to had the word “cinta” in the title due to my stupid search criteria.  

Over time, my knowledge of random Indonesian music increased rapidly but my speaking skills were always questionable as I was always too shy to speak. So, I went through university as the worst student in my class but probably the only one who drove to class blaring Kebyar Kebyar from her car stereo. Oh well, you win some, you lose some.

Other memories of university were making a mockumentary titled “Penyerahan Tugas Ekstrim” (Extreme Submissioning), getting a homework task that was a list of English swear words with the instructions to “find an Indonesian and come up with the Indonesian equivalents” and sometimes getting drunk on the weekend and speaking Indonesian because apparently I was capable of it (if only we were allowed to drink in class).

don't judge me

And thennnnn, finally, after a 15 year long distance obsession with Indonesia…. I went to Indonesia. In the beginning of 2011, I and 20 other students from my university undertook an intensive summer semester in UGM Yogyakarta. I feel like I should go into this time as a student in Indonesia properly some other time but the main point is: I fell even more in love with Indonesia from the moment I arrived there. And I’ve never looked back.

After getting back from that first 7 week trip to Indonesia, I knew I was trapped. Suddenly there was a voice in my head that started screaming at me “you’re supposed to be in Indonesia. Why are you here? GO BACK TO INDONESIA”. It felt physically painful to be away from Indonesia after that first taste and I couldn’t handle it. As soon as I could (the next summer) I headed back to Indonesia for a five week holiday travelling around Java, Bali and Lombok.

The day I got back from that trip it started again. The same emptiness. The same desperation to go back. I can’t even explain why it felt like that. It was just a physical pull that I could do little to control. The day after I got back, I found myself bawling my eyes out to my mum saying “I don’t want to go back to university, I want to live in Indonesia” she told me to stop crying and go live in Indonesia.

So I quit my post-graduate course on the first day and started researching how to move to Indonesia. I worked part time and was incredibly strict on myself reminding myself constantly “do you want to buy shoes or do you want to move to Indonesia?”. Indonesia always won and I lived very simply as I saved to do my TEFL course.

I did splash out on a few things at that time. My (incredibly regrettable) Garuda Pancasila tattoo as well as a tattoo of the words “merah darahku, putih tulangku”. Yes, I was willing to spend (A LOT) of money on those but wasn’t willing to buy myself shoes, excellent priorities you had, 2012 Sammi.

so regrettable because 1. it attracts so much unwanted attention. You have no idea how many people have saluted my thigh. :( 2. it's probably disrespectful in general. 3. it's completely redundant as I got it so a piece of Indonesia would always be with me and then several months later I moved to Indonesia and yea, it's been 6 years.  

I actually still like this 

And we know the story since then. Years of adventures full of detours, feeling somewhat uncomfortable at all times and having enough go wrong that I have started to expect even the most unlikely complications… yet my love for Indonesia is constant.

So yes, this is the best love story I know. Have you ever heard of a 22 year long love story (that started with a 15 year long distance relationship) and to this day is quite likely completely one-sided?

I doubt it.

So, to the love of my life on your 73^rd birthday, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me grow into the person I am today. Thank you for being a big part of almost my entire life. Thank you for being my home, my inspiration and my lifelong obsession.

I hope you get better and better. I hope you keep making a little more sense to me each year but I hope you keep being you- the crazy, confusing, unpredictable and complicated place I call home. 

I love you, Indonesia. 

My 4 month "East Java tour"

Goodbyes are always sad

In the last four months I:

• Lived in 5 different cities.
• Taught in 8 different EF schools.
• Took 2 trips to other islands as well as countless weekend trips and adventures in East Java.
• Went to Singapore twice.
• Slept in 11 different beds (this sounds suss, but it really isn’t).
• Taught 1,500+ different students (estimated).
• Took 8 flights, 8 trains, 4 “travel” cars and travelled along the Surabaya-Gresik toll road 17 times.
• Earned 4,013 GOpoints (and 625 Grab Points).
• Went to 12 different malls (this is super depressing).
• Fell in love with one gelato place (and visited it 5 times across 3 cities).
• Laughed a million times.
• Got accused of being “a spy from head office” three times.
• Took hundreds of selfies.
• Completely changed my long-term plans twice.
• Visited my old office for no real reason more times than I can count.
• Made the newspaper twice.
• Cried 2 times (almost 3, thanks Sidoarjo) actually lost count in the end.
• Met a load of new friends and (hopefully not, but possibly) made some new enemies.
• Felt bored exactly 0 times.

And, I’m exhausted.

Well, it’s been a long and tiring but mostly enjoyable journey and as of yesterday, it’s complete. Last week, even a GoJEK driver commented that I went to a different EF school every day and I started to think that things had gotten out of hand. So at the end of this long journey let me share with you some of my favourite moments of my East Java/ world tour. 

MALANG

I loved living in a walkable city, being able to walk to work put me in a good mood for the whole day. Breakfasts in the Library (the best café ever) and working with a load of fun people made things easy. I experienced a brief “culture shock” when we were about to go out for after work drinks and everyone kind of looked at me weirdly for changing my clothes. Wearing the uniform after work would never happen in Surabaya, but when in Rome… By the end of my 3 weeks here, you could find me out after work wearing those beautiful khaki trousers.

JEMBER

This was the most surprising as I thought it was going to be really painful and that I’d hate it there. You know that life is unpredictable when the place you dread going to the most ends up being the one you love the most. I had a social life, I had amazing people around me and I would absolutely love to repeat this month over and over again. Not much to say because it’s all HERE but looking forward to reuniting with my Jember friends again soon.

my Jember family <3

SURABAYA

Many, many highlights including seeing my family, marathon hang out sessions with Devita and Lily, sleepovers with Tria, taking baby Jazzy for her first girl’s day out. It’s somewhat therapeutic to go back to my old office of 5 years and teach again after I thought it was all over. When I said goodbye last time it was teary and sad, so another chance to see everyone again and not be an emotional wreck was much appreciated.

any chance to stalk her is good for me :D

SIDOARJO

The highlight will always be eating ice cream and chocolate on the swing set outside Aditya’s boarding house with Adit and Amanda, laughing about everything that happened and bonding over oranges (wish I could tell that story here but I can’t). I was seriously exhausted most of the time I was there but it was good to know that at the end of the day there was a swing set waiting for me and good people to have a laugh with.

who knew oranges could bring people together?

KEDIRI

This place was the calm after the storm that I needed. And I loved it for everything being simple. I was well looked after and had positive and fun people around me the whole time. I got to eat delicious food, climb a volcano, made it into the newspaper for no real reason and got to run a workshop which allowed me to treat the teachers like kindergartners. 

GRESIK

Though I got sick of spending two hours a day commuting to work pretty quickly, there were actually some great times. Chatting to Yoke on the way to work, laughing excessively about all the “semen Gresik” signs (‘semen’ is Indonesian for ‘cement’ which is what Gresik is known for) and again, working with a bunch of cool, positive people.  

This International "Semen" University made me laugh every day

Not only will I carry these memories with me, but I also have souvenirs. I stole something from every office I worked in ranging from pens, scissors, a pencil case (they were quite practical initially), a full packet of blu tack (and I ended up distributing it to all the teachers in Jember which made me feel like Robin Hood), a button, a colour picture of oranges, a binder clip and correction tape. If any of my bosses are reading this, I’m sorry for stealing. Please don’t fire me.

And what’s next?

Tomorrow I’m moving to Malang for 3 months. I’m excited for now to really get to know a place, to not spend my weekends travelling between cities, to not have to figure out a new school every few weeks and to actually be able to get to know some student’s names.

But I will miss my travelling. I’ll miss meeting cool people in every new place, sharing ideas and trying new things. So, finally, a big thank you to everyone who was part of my “East Java world tour”. I’m so grateful for everyone who took care of me along the way. It’s been really fun.

Until we meet again on my next tour. :D. 

Celebrating my 4th singleversary

Frans (still not his real name) and I broke up on the 25^th of July 2014. So that’s it. A couple of days ago I celebrated the 4th anniversary of my singleness. You might wonder how I know the exact date, well last year when my friends were celebrating their 4^th anniversary I decided that I should also celebrate my relationship status. A quick Whatsapp search of “dumped” and “broke up” brought me to this date. And I have remembered it ever since.

always the third wheel

Last year I planned well in advance to celebrate my singleversary with an “awkward/romantic” date with my friend Mike. He agreed to this but then somehow backed out of it at the last minute (if you’re reading, I’m obviously still hurt and devastated by this). When I questioned him on this, he actually danced away from me. Danced. So that’s my dating life, people will actually dance away from me.

And I know being almost 29 and single might sound quite normal to you (well, if you aren’t from Indonesia) but what does this singledom mean when living in this marriage-obsessed country?

Firstly, you’re gonna be answering a lot of questions. Indonesian people love to throw that “kapan nikah?” (when are you getting married?) question out there. I don’t really know the answer to that, seeming I have been single for the last four years, have no romantic prospects and haven’t met a single person in this world whom I would like to be married to, but “hopefully this year” is a good vague response (my friend Maltha suggested “besok kalau gak hujan” [“tomorrow if it’s not raining”] as an excellent alternative that I’ll definitely try at some point.). In the past “my soulmate is in Palembang and I haven’t been there yet” used to be enough but after going there and checking this in 2015, I know the Palembang story doesn’t check out. I guess this question would be even more soul-destroying if I actually cared about getting married, so I guess I should be grateful that I don’t.

Next, people will give you unwanted advice and motivation regularly. They’ll encourage you by telling you you’re pretty and someone would want you (which is quite insulting as my self-esteem doesn’t need to be based on who wants me and also considering someone an option because they see me as “pretty” is kind of sad). They’ll tell you to just find an Indonesian man and that it doesn’t matter if there’s a religious difference because you can just follow his (which is not really the kind of thing you can decide for someone else but okay…).

You might begin to deal with this by sometimes lying to strangers about your marital status to avoid unnecessary pity and worry. But then you’ll end up getting confused about which Gojek driver you told you were married and which you told the truth to, so I guess if you’re going to go down that road, you have to go all the way. I realised this recently when a Gojek driver asked me how my husband was and if he still worked at EF Plaza. I almost said “what the hell?” but thankfully remembered that 2 months ago I’d told a Gojek driver that I had a husband and that it’d lead to so many follow-up questions that I just told him my housemate was my husband. It then turned out he had driven my housemate to work before and knew who I was talking about, so great.

But, it’s not so bad being single to be honest.

the "wall of love"

I don’t really want a boyfriend but when I say that in Indonesia it’s met with “ohhh mau langsung nikah?” (which is some kind of idea that I’d just marry someone without dating them, an arranged marriage perhaps? I don’t know how to translate this well) which is not really the point. It’s not even that I’m against marriage or anything, I’m just not particularly interested in the idea. I don’t like the idea that I should do something to check it off some kind of “TO DO LIST FOR PEOPLE THAT WANT TO LOOK NORMAL” (I also don’t care about looking normal). There’s no need for me to get married to impress other people. I know that when the “when are you getting married?” question gets satisfied “when are you having a baby?” becomes the next annoyance. There’s no end, so I’ll settle for the familiar “kapan nikah?” and look for more creative ways to answer this.

But, I often blame my singledom on this country, firstly because I rarely meet anyone new outside work and also because I spend most of my time dressed in khaki trousers and a polo shirt which isn’t exactly going to catch too many eyes even if I did meet someone. But, in reality the main reason probably is the fact that I’m only capable of being romantically interested in people who pay no attention to me or are completely unattainable. Seriously if you knew my last few crushes you could equate these to a list of impossibilities. I also find it somewhat annoying if someone is romantically interested in me.

But, in some way unrequited love has become more attractive to me than any other kinds of love. It feels less selfish, more authentic and serves as a good test of how you’re willing to treat someone without gaining anything in return. This kind of love is corrupted by “hope” because imagining that it could lead somewhere makes it selfish and defeats the purpose of the “love”. It can also make you disillusioned that you might deserve something as some kind of reward for your efforts. In any sense, when that hope is quashed you are left with some kind of emptiness, in any sense love that you regard as hopeless from the beginning comes with no unpleasantness.

Over the last four years, I have actually been on a few dates as you might have seen from my stories here. I’ve experimented with Tinder to no avail, dated a nazi-symphasizer and met my “soulmate” at a hospital (see previous blog posts if you don’t remember).

Well I’ll give you the highlights of my dating life since I stopped blogging about it:

·         Once I was lining up in Melbourne airport and a guy started talking to me. Then I ran into him again at Bali airport and we friended each other on Facebook. Turns out we went to the same university. A couple of months after that he was randomly in Surabaya so we met for coffee. A month after that we had dinner together in Melbourne. It all felt very international. But I don’t think we’ve spoken in more than 2 years now.

·         There was this guy that I spoke to a lot, over a long period of time. I wrote the poem below and put it up on the “wall of love” in Seoul and then basically immediately stopped caring about that guy which is a massive contradiction of the poem itself. But, it’s still there I guess and I’m not going back to Seoul to take it down, so oh well.

my ridiculous poetry

·         Once I was so awkward texting a guy that I had to ask two of my friends to help me write something and then while I was passing my phone to my friend I accidentally sent him a random picture of a fox and couldn’t really explain it so I stopped talking to him. I ran into him once when I was drunk and it was incredibly awkward for everyone involved.

It’s been a thrilling four years as you can see.

But I’m happy. Except for occasionally missing conversations like this:

not even worth translating...

But I’ll be okay without it (really I will, it seems ridiculous and unnecessary even now).

So heres to  many more singleversaries to come. 👍🙏

Adorable & ridiculous stuff my students said

I love my job. Being a teacher is an absolute joy. I find myself heading to every lesson full of excitement, looking forward to the endless possibilities of the day. And considering my students are the most hilarious, creative and fun people in the world. It's fair enough. 

This week has been super heavy, so let me bring you something light and uncomplicated for once. Enjoy, a random selection of random words from wonderful students. ♡

4 year old: Miss, look at my shoes!
Me: Yes, very nice shoes!
4 year old: No, look with your nose!!!

🔺

After my 5 year old student came back from holiday:
"Miss Sam, I went to Australia and I couldn't see your house ANYWHERE!"

🔺

*walking around the classroom while my students do a speaking activity*
(adult) student: And I was just thinking "why the hell is she in my dream?"
Me: That sounds interesting. What are you guys talking about?
Student: I'm just telling him about my first wet dream.
Me: what?

when you forget your teacher's name, this will do

16 year old boy: When I'm older I want to be rich, but not just with my parents money.

🔺

Student 1: I spy with my little eye something that is black.
Student 2: Your hair? Your face? Your penis?
Me: guys...

🔺

Me: Guys, after today you'll have a new teacher. I'm going to teach in Hong Kong and I won't work here again.
Student 1: What? But I wanted you to teach my little brother! You taught me since I was 4. Now he is 4!
Student 2: Will you forget us? *starts crying*
Student 3: *makes fart sounds* Miss Sam farted! Did you guys hear that? Ohhh, it really stinks!

🔺

4 year old: *holding middle finger up an inch from my face* miss, look at my finger!
Me: *trying to keep a straight face so a room full of 4 year olds don't learn how to flip someone off* Oh no, there's a cut. Are you okay?

🔺

*young guy walks past the classroom*
Me: (talking rubbish because I thought my students couldn't understand) Ohh, that guy is handsome.
6 year old : Do you love him Miss?
Me: No, I don't know him.
6 year old: If you love him, you should tell him.
Me: I don't love him, I've never seen him before.
6 year old: Just tell him Miss! Don't be shy! You have to believe in yourself!

🔺

Me: How's things?
8 year old student: Things are fine but your hair is not.
Me: What's wrong with it?
8 year old student: It looks like you've given up. Like you've stopped trying.

time for a spelling review...

After teaching my 6-8 year old students to make "Are you..." questions, they were writing questions like "are you friendly?" and "are you funny?". Suddenly, one kid decided to write "are you sexy body?". Suddenly he turned to me and yelled: "Miss Sam, are you sexy body?" which was followed by two full minutes of him and another boy dancing around loudly chanting "Sexy body! Sexy body! Sexy body!". Nothing I said would make them stop. 

🔺

9 year old student: My teacher told me to spell "does" D-O-S-E.
Me: I think your teacher made a mistake.
9 year old: Oh...
Me: Sometimes teachers are wrong.
9 year old: Sometimes teachers are morons
Me: What? That's not very nice.
9 year old: Really? What does "moron" mean? Is it like a robot? Can a robot be a moron?

🔺

Me: Hey, where's your brother? Is he coming to class today?
6 year old: He is hurt. He is bleed because he is sunat. (sunat means circumcision)
Me: Oh...
6 year old: Do you know sunat Miss?
Me: No, I don't know what that is. 
8 year old: HUH? You don't know sunat Miss? 
*students continue to talk about it for a few seconds*
Me: *feeling kind of uncomfortable and trying to move the conversation on* Remember, we need to speak English here!
8 year old: But I don't know "sunat" in English!
Me: It's okay, it's not important. (meaning it's not essential vocab for an 8 year old)
8 year old: *with a very serious expression* But Miss! Sunat is very important. 

🔺

8 year old: Miss, you have baby in your tummy!
Me: No, I don't!
8 year old: Yes you do! I know!
Me: No, I really don't.
8 year old: My mum says every ladies has baby is her tummy but it's so small.
Umm... no comment....

this brainstorm of "bad behavior at school" by 9 year olds is intense
"a teacher that stop a students dream"

I taught my 8-10 year old students how to use "too" (like "it's too big"). Later when we were doing a reading activity and they asked me what a suit was. When I Googled it I found a picture of a good looking guy in a suit and said "That's my husband." Straight away one of my students yells "He's too handsome, you're too ugly and you need an ugly husband".
It wasn't the nicest thing to say but I'll take the correct usage of 'too' as a compliment to my teaching ability...

🔺

Kid: It is Rasya (points at a ball)
Me: (waves at ball) Hey Rasya, how are you?
Kid: *looks really shocked* Miss! It not Rasya. I joking. It a ball.

🔺

Student: Miss Sam, I prank called EF last week.
Me: What did you say?
Student: I said "This is the FBI"
Me: What did the person who answered say?
Student: I don't know because I was laughing so hard I hung up the phone.
Me: You shouldn't do that again, that's really silly *secretly finds it hilarious*  

🔺

Me: Okay guys, I want you to think of 5 sports that don't use a ball.
Student 1: Is twerking a sport?
Student 2: Badminton? That uses a shuttlecock.
Student 3: Why do they call it badminton then? Why don't they call it cockball?
Me: Um, I'm sure there's a good reason.

🔺

Two students chatting while doing a cut and paste activity.
5 year old 1: Penguins are black and white and they like to eat fish. They are so cute and they are GREAT swimmers. 
5 year old 2: Penguins walk like this *stands up and does a penguin walk*.

5 year old 1:*panicking* We don't have time to talk about penguins! We have so much cutting to do!

🔺

I guess I can't turn my face into my butt either

5 year old: Miss, where can my brother learn letters and numbers?
Me: How old is he?
5 year old: This many! *holds up 4 fingers*
Me: If he is four, he can study here at EF too.
5 year old: Can you tell my mum that?
Me: Why?
5 year old: Sometimes I tell my mum and she doesn't listen. You can tell her.
Me: She might not listen to me either.
5 year old: Hmm... maybe we can tell her together?

🔺

Student: Miss, have you ever been to Indonesia?
Me: Um... where are we right now?
Student: Oh yeah...  

🔺

So, my teacher friends (or anyone that has kids in their lives) what's the most adorable or ridiculous thing you've heard a kid say? 

I'd love to laugh at your stories too.

Thanks for reading guys. Have a great day. ♡

This is what living in Indonesia has done to me

Indonesia has been my home for almost six years now but I still feel like an alien here sometimes.

It's kind of weird. I still sometimes get called "tourist" by random people in the city where I've spent most of my adult life. On the other hand, sometimes my Indonesian friends say stuff like "you're more Indonesian than me now". Of course, this is absolutely ridiculous considering I drink alcohol, hate malls, have loads of tattoos and speak English almost all the time (I know these aren't foolproof examples but it's true).

I'm not really that Indonesian.

look how much I blend in

But what am I? I can't still be a "tourist" but I'm not a real Indonesian either. Six years here has changed me significantly but what has it changed me into?

Let me explain who I am now.

I operate on Indonesian time

Let's be honest, most Indonesians aren't that clear about time.

choose your own time zone

For example, several years ago I was at a NOAH concert and someone asked the band when their next album would be released. The lead singer answered "the new album will be released after Idul-Fitri" and the crowd went wild. 
But, actually that is not an answer. What exactly does "after Idul-Fitri" mean? After July? So, August? December? Next year? 
As I looked around the cheering crowd, it seemed clear that no one else was concerned by this. Everyone seemed to be able to accept that it would be released "after Idul-Fitri" and were happy to celebrate this.

Likewise, when you ask someone when something will happen, "after this" is a common answer. It could make sense if you were given some context but the "this" is rarely defined. Additionally, from my understanding the word "later" can be used to mean "imminently" or "never" and "besok" (literally "tomorrow") can mean "tomorrow" or "sometime in the future".

After a while you know that if you organise for a car to pick you up at 9:00 they'll likely come as early at 7:30, but if you organise to meet your friend in the mall at 7:00 they could easily come at 9:00 without any apologies. 

But, you get used to this.

I realised that this wasn't an issue for me anymore a few months ago when I was in Bali. I was travelling with Bethany and two of her friends who she works with in Hong Kong. We were staying in a hotel near the airport but had organised transport from our hotel to go to Nusa Lembongan (a smaller island to the east of Bali). We'd arranged to be picked up at 9:00 AM so we rushed to get ready, have breakfast and were waiting in the hotel lobby promptly around 9:05. 

There was no sign of the car so we decided to order coffee from the small cafe in the lobby of the hotel. I sat there completely content, sipping my coffee, looking forward to the rest of the day. As time passed Bethany's two friends seemed more and more concerned about the fact that we hadn't been picked up yet. And I think that would have been my reaction before. 
Bethany (who spent 2 years in Indonesia) and I were completely relaxed. 

And that's how I am all of the time. When people are late, I don't care. When I'm late, I don't care either. I'm happy to say "I'll be there later" and leave it at that.

I can't cope with the toilet situation in Australia

This story is kinda gross, just warning you ahead of time. Feel free to skip it.

right before "it" happened.

For those who don’t know, in Indonesia toilet paper isn’t such a big thing. Some people use it, others don’t. The standard is for a toilet have a small hose next to it to wash off once you’ve done your “business”. The ideal is to use the hose to clean yourself, then use some toilet paper to dry off.

It feels better, it’s cleaner and after five years of doing this, I got used to this system.

When I was in Australia earlier this year, I was at a loss. How was I gonna use the toilet without my precious “bum gun”? I was scared. My body seemed to instinctively know that it wasn’t safe to use the toilet and after I had been in Australia for 1 week I still hadn’t done any “business” (gross info #1). Actually, with extreme changes in diet this is quite plausible, but I think also I was just scared to do it.

I did have a plan that when my body regulated and I needed to go to the toilet, I would take a shower immediately afterwards. But, let’s just say… this plan failed.

I was sitting on the beautiful Byron Bay beach eating burritos with my friend Joy when I felt my stomach gurgle. I knew then and there that something bad was about to happen and in a public toilet of all places. I explained to Joy (extremely dramatically) my predicament and my fears about the lack of toilet hoses. She thought I was being a little over the top (which was true) and that things would be fine (which was not true).

My stomach gurgled again, we were around 45 minutes from the house we were staying in but I knew I didn’t have much time left. I made my way reluctantly to the public restrooms by the side of the beach. I queued and found myself meeting my destiny in that dirty public toilet in Byron Bay.

It was one of those “robot” self-cleaning toilets. Here's a random Youtube video of this if you don’t know what I'm talking about: 

 As I walked into the room the robot voice assured me “door locked, you have 10 minutes”. So I went for it. Only, a few minutes into taking care of my long-overdue business I heard a voice. The robot toilet. “No motion detected” he said and gave some kind of warning that I should move around if I was still in there. I started panicking moving my arms about doing some weird kind of toilet dance, making as much “motion” as I could from a seated position.  “No motion detected. Door will open” was the robot’s response. I panicked and jumped up “mid-business” running towards the “lock” button which was conveniently located near the door, not near the toilet. The door flew open and a girl appeared at the door looking puzzled. “oh, I’m sorry” she said. I didn’t manage to say anything. I just hit the lock button and tried to finish what I had started.

I’ve had serious toilet trust issues since then.

When I returned to the beach Joy asked me how it all went.

“Not good bro, not good” I replied “I miss Indonesia”.

And I’ll never take the bum gun for granted again. 

My English is getting worse and worse

I'm an English teacher and I'll admit: my English is actually terrible sometimes. When I’m too lazy to think about what I’m saying I just speak the kind of English I hear all day- the inaccurate English I hear from my students (that in the process of attempting to fix, I've accidentally taken on).
Take these examples from recent Whatsapp conversations if you don't believe me.

When you're too lazy to say "can you put it in the fridge?" just say "can you cold it?"

This made sense in my head.

from my language, seems legit

To my students (and my boss): please don't lose faith in me. I speak properly during class, I just don't have energy for that after hours. Please trust me.

I feel happy when my flight is delayed (because it isn't cancelled)

A few years ago, I was with my mum at Medan airport. We arrived there super early because we allowed a lot of time to get there from Lake Toba but we had a crazy driver who I think set a new speed record from Lake Toba to Medan Airport but almost killed us 39405045 times in the process due to his crazy driving. 

But I was okay with our earliness because the airport had a New Look and a Cotton On and that was exciting at the time.   But of course the flight was delayed... ridiculously delayed (3 hours). I still wasn't even stressed too much because I'm used to it. Plus, I had stuff to do and wanted to spend 3 hours writing anyway. PLUS there was carpet on the floor and for some reason I get really excited by sitting on carpeted floors these days. I guess I was alright because I'm easily occupied. My mum- who is not as well-versed in Indonesian airport delays (though does have some experience in this herself) was a little less relaxed by it (perfectly normal if you ask me, not everyone can be entertained by a carpeted floor) and when they announced the delay what came out of her mouth was a few swear words. I don't remember exactly what she said but there was definitely a word starting with "f" in there and my mum isn't the kind of person who swears a lot (I could count the number of times that I've heard her say that particular word on one hand). 
I just sat on the floor and joked around and laughed for 3 hours. 

Which reaction is normal?

When I was flying to Bali a few months ago to meet Bethany, my flight was 3 hours delayed again. But I was so happy. When the choice is "delayed" or "cancelled", you start to feel like you've won the lottery when you only have to wait 3 hours. AirAsia also gave all of us free McDonalds which made it easier to forgive them. After 304093 airport delays in Indonesia, you can expect to just feel happy when it happens for the 304094th time. 

I had an "Indonesian style" marriage freak out

Some time ago, almost three years after my ex-boyfriend (previously referred to as Frans on this blog) and I broke up, he asked me if I wanted to "pretend marry" him just for status. He explained that we could "make a deal" and it'd be cute to have a mixed-race baby. I immediately declined his offer, thinking that it would be crazy to see marriage as soon kind of arrangement. My exact words were "let's wait" but I never considered I'd get back to him on this.

I changed my mind completely six months later.

Please understand that in Indonesia everyone is obsessed with marriage. They question you constantly about when you'll get married. And getting married is like, the only choice. If you don't get married you'll be miserable, you'll have no future and no hope (according to these people who are probably miserable themselves). Women also "expire" at around 25 which is probably around the expected age of marriage.

I seriously never cared.

Well.... until December last year when I suddenly started freaking out about being left behind and dying alone then finally, Frans' offer seemed like my best hope.

I explained this to several friends. My reasons in favor of an "arranged marriage" being that love fades anyway and it's better to see it as a financial arrangement. That seemed more likely to last than relying on "love". I also felt that the fact that I still cared about my ex-boyfriend after all that time was a sign of at least some kind of "love".

When I explained this to my Indonesian friends they understood what I was talking about completely (some asked why my thinking was "so Indonesian" but, fair enough) but when I explained it to my Australian friends I was met with blank stares and comments like "so... you've given up?".

I messaged Frans one night when I was drunk in Bali. He said we could talk about it later. I don't know when "later" is, but it's okay. 

my drunk texts to my ex are so coherent too 

(I have since returned to my normal state of not caring about marriage, so don't worry)

So, after 6 years in this country, what am I?
Still foreign? A tourist on a very long holiday? Semi-Indonesian? Irreversibly changed enough to be completely incomprehensible to almost all people? 

Please, if you can answer this, let me know.