1. How to get a boys/girls phone number
This has been tried and tested* and I know it will work almost all of the time. This is how to get anyone's phone number.
Step 1: Take a photo of/ with the person whose number you want.
Step 2: Say "what a great photo" and try to get them interested in the photo.
Step 3: Say "I can send you this photo" then look down at your phone and say "Oh damn, I don't have your number."
Step 4: They'll give you their number.
Step 5: Win at life.
I actually have a version of this written on a piece of paper somewhere because my friends and I came up with this and I actually thought it was solid advice and worth trying. So please try this and let me know if it really works.
 |
| This is the photo I took to test this theory. |
*Tried this on one friend, who probably would have given me his number if I just asked the normal way.
2. How to communicate with your more successful friends
Sometimes other people are just more successful than you and they get their shit together faster than you do but that's okay. That's called reality and you have to accept that. The best thing you can do is handle the matter with optimism and dignity.
I was in this very situation several months ago when a friend from high school messaged me to tell me that she'd gotten her dream job and was in a good relationship and that she was pregnant. Of course I was really happy for her (really, really) but when she asked how my life was going I was faced with a dilemma because how do you compete with dream job, great partner AND baby on the way when you have none of those things?
My reply was basically "I'm doing the same thing I've been doing for 3 years and I've been single for almost 2 years hahaha" which really is a bit of a buzzkill because actually I could have gone along with it and said something positive but I went with that... I sent that message November 24th and still no reply so I'm guessing I said the wrong thing.
3. How to deal with rude/annoying/incompetent Indonesians
The answer is simple- sarcasm. Most Indonesians (those I've met here in Surabaya especially) don't understand sarcasm and you can use this to your advantage. For example, this guy I work with literally stuffed everything up that he was supposed to do for my class ahead of their parent teacher meeting and then spoke to me quite rudely. So at the end of the day I just said a simple "Thank you for everything today, I couldn't have done it without you" and it was actually comforting to say those words because in my mind I was being really rude and aggressive. But no damage was done because to him I was being unprecedentedly nice. I saw a smile spread across his face and I think we both left work that day feeling good.
It kind of backfired yesterday though because it was my first day back after three and a half weeks in Melbourne and I saw a girl I work with and immediately she said "Ohhh! You've gotten so fat!" (which by the way is a totally acceptable thing to say here and not considered rude). And I was thinking "kind of true, probably should get to the swimming pool tomorrow" (And also "damn you hipster Melbourne burger bars and Easter and Iced Coffee BIG M's") but I guess I was a little upset by it. I just replied with a very sarcastic "Oh thanks for that, I'm really happy to hear that". She obviously didn't notice/understand the sarcasm in my voice and just smiled, nodded and said "so so fat". Great self-esteem boost right there. :)
4. How to lose friends and alienate people
I actually forgot about for a long time (I probably buried it under the countless memories of awkward things I've done since) but this came back to me about a month ago. Although this is something I'm actually quite embarrassed of, I'll share it with you so you can avoid making the same mistake.
This happened to me in mid 2014 when I was working at Jember (a small town in East Java) for a week. Jember is quite conservative especially compared to trashy Surabaya. I went to Jember during the first week of Ramadan and it is definitely Muslim majority and almost everyone was fasting. No one forced me to fast of course and I'm sure everyone would be really understanding had I not fasted, but I already felt like the only Westerner in town and enough of an outsider that I decided to follow the crowd and fast.
I thought it would be easy considering I'd already fasted the year before. But I guess I forgot how hard fasting was because you have to get up at 3AM for sahur which basically means shoveling as much food and drink into your system when you're not even hungry and barely even awake so that you can get through to 5:30PM. And I actually only realised I was addicted to coffee when I started having withdrawal symptoms. The teachers at Jember were all like "If you have a headache you don't need to fast" but I was like "I've already starved myself for 10 hours, I'm finishing this!" And when it got to time to break the fast each day, I would break the fast with Panadol rather than food.
Throughout that week I got hangrier and hangrier and I missed coffee so much. I managed to hide it from the teachers at Jember and instead texted my boyfriend at the time, Frans (still a fake name). I also got so frustrated with the lack of variety in the food there (noodles, rice, noodles, rice, repeat) and had a mini breakdown over Whatsapp messages about it. Frans got so worried about me that he actually tried calling Pizza Hut in Jember to save me! It got that serious!
By Friday, I was so relieved that the week was over and I had no intention of fasting again after that. On Friday night the teachers all went for after work drinks. Well, I guess it was the Jember equivalent of that. Instead of beer, we got some STMJ (a drink made of milk, egg, honey and ginger). This was the last thing I had to do in Jember before heading back to Surabaya the next day and remember that I had been on my best behavior all week and despite being starving I still acted like a reasonable human.
Then I fucked up. I don't know why but I made a joke about wanting to marry this random teacher. I really really don't know why because I'd barely noticed him and I don't even remember his name but I just said that.
"He's already married" someone said.
And then I said the stupidest thing possible:
"It's okay, he's Muslim, he can have more than one wife".
I think I'd completely forgotten that these people barely knew me and didn't know my sense of humor. It also wasn't even remotely funny so I guess I can't blame them for not laughing. But honestly at my office in Surabaya everyone already knows I'm never serious and people would actually laugh (maybe just out of awkwardness... but still)!
But not in Jember. I was met with a long awkward silence.
Finally, one of the female teachers broke the silence with three simple words "Polygamy is bad".
And then it hit me like a ton of bricks that they didn't know I was joking. What do you say to that anyway? Because that girl was right and I didn't want to argue and make it seem like I thought polygamy was good. I sat there in stunned silence realizing what I'd just done. But by then, the conversation had moved on and I didn't want to interrupt reasonable conversation to steer it back to my embarrassing comment. So I left Jember on that note.
(But seriously all the teachers in Jember were so lovely so I hope they forgot this ever happened too)
Back in Surabaya I headed straight to McDonald's to talk it over with Frans. But, not before he made the sign of the cross so that the McDonald's customers would think he was Catholic and he wouldn't have to feel bad about not fasting (even though we were in the middle of McDonald's and the other customers were also not fasting).
So my advice on this matter is: don't do what I did. Act like a reasonable human while you're around a place where people don't get your stupid sense of humor.
If you guys have any matters that you need advice on, feel free to submit them to the comment box below... and I'll get back to you with some advice, because I'm really good at giving advice as you can see above. Thank you for reading guys, hope you learnt something :).
