the best love story I know

I know, I know I contradict myself a lot.

A few months back I described this country as a bad boyfriend and I’m sorry Indonesia, you aren’t bad. The truth is Indonesia is easily the love of my life.

I fell in love with this place somewhere around the age of 6 or 7. Yes, young love. Indonesian was the language offered at my primary school and for whatever reason, it fascinated me. My memories from my early days of learning Indonesian include repeatedly watching a documentary on Waterbomb Park in Bali and dreaming about going there (which I still haven’t got around to doing) and watching another video about some teenagers and laughing that they were listening to a band named ‘Gigi’ because I thought ‘teeth’ was a ridiculous band name (who knew that 15 years later I would watch that very band live).

As a six year old, my parents took me to the Indonesian embassy in Canberra. I mean it’s a building with some random information about Indonesia, but to me it was everything (look how happy I look). That’s what being in love with a country was like back then, I was always enthusiastic about my Indonesian studies, spending hours looking up things in the dictionary and probably driving my teachers crazy by asking them to translate random words.

it makes sense that this incredibly dorky kid would grow up to be the incredibly dorky adult I am today

At my primary school graduation, I won an award for the most enthusiastic Indonesian student in my school. I don’t keep in touch with anyone from my primary school, but I’m pretty sure I’m still the most enthusiastic Indonesian student to this day. J

I continued my Indonesian studies in high school. My favourite memories from high school were my teacher loosely translating “dude where’s my car” to “ay, dimana mobil?” and me saying that repeatedly, my crazy teacher who wrote weird songs in Indonesian, going by the name Kartini in class as we had to use Indonesian names (one of my classmates insisted on being called ‘Belalang’ for some reason) and Indonesian still being my favourite subject. At the end of my last 2 years of school, I also won awards for the top student in my class.

the Indonesian room was also the most beautiful classroom in my school

From that point, it made sense to continue studying Indonesian in university with the plan to one day become an Indonesian teacher in Australia.

I took a one year break from studying, so when I started university and I walked into a classroom that was fully in Indonesian, I was lost. I remember my first oral exam when my teacher asked what I thought of racism in Australia, all I could manage to say is “I’m not racist”. I was the worst student in my class… easily (and I’m not saying that, I seriously often had no idea what was going on in class).

But it wasn’t from a lack of effort. I spent my free time writing random stories in Indonesian and  listening to Indonesian music. I googled key words such as “lagu cinta” (love song) and downloaded random songs. That’s how I started listening to Rossa, Peterpan and Sheila on 7. And all the songs I listened to had the word “cinta” in the title due to my stupid search criteria.  

Over time, my knowledge of random Indonesian music increased rapidly but my speaking skills were always questionable as I was always too shy to speak. So, I went through university as the worst student in my class but probably the only one who drove to class blaring Kebyar Kebyar from her car stereo. Oh well, you win some, you lose some.

Other memories of university were making a mockumentary titled “Penyerahan Tugas Ekstrim” (Extreme Submissioning), getting a homework task that was a list of English swear words with the instructions to “find an Indonesian and come up with the Indonesian equivalents” and sometimes getting drunk on the weekend and speaking Indonesian because apparently I was capable of it (if only we were allowed to drink in class).

don't judge me

And thennnnn, finally, after a 15 year long distance obsession with Indonesia…. I went to Indonesia. In the beginning of 2011, I and 20 other students from my university undertook an intensive summer semester in UGM Yogyakarta. I feel like I should go into this time as a student in Indonesia properly some other time but the main point is: I fell even more in love with Indonesia from the moment I arrived there. And I’ve never looked back.

After getting back from that first 7 week trip to Indonesia, I knew I was trapped. Suddenly there was a voice in my head that started screaming at me “you’re supposed to be in Indonesia. Why are you here? GO BACK TO INDONESIA”. It felt physically painful to be away from Indonesia after that first taste and I couldn’t handle it. As soon as I could (the next summer) I headed back to Indonesia for a five week holiday travelling around Java, Bali and Lombok.

The day I got back from that trip it started again. The same emptiness. The same desperation to go back. I can’t even explain why it felt like that. It was just a physical pull that I could do little to control. The day after I got back, I found myself bawling my eyes out to my mum saying “I don’t want to go back to university, I want to live in Indonesia” she told me to stop crying and go live in Indonesia.

So I quit my post-graduate course on the first day and started researching how to move to Indonesia. I worked part time and was incredibly strict on myself reminding myself constantly “do you want to buy shoes or do you want to move to Indonesia?”. Indonesia always won and I lived very simply as I saved to do my TEFL course.

I did splash out on a few things at that time. My (incredibly regrettable) Garuda Pancasila tattoo as well as a tattoo of the words “merah darahku, putih tulangku”. Yes, I was willing to spend (A LOT) of money on those but wasn’t willing to buy myself shoes, excellent priorities you had, 2012 Sammi.

so regrettable because 1. it attracts so much unwanted attention. You have no idea how many people have saluted my thigh. :( 2. it's probably disrespectful in general. 3. it's completely redundant as I got it so a piece of Indonesia would always be with me and then several months later I moved to Indonesia and yea, it's been 6 years.  

I actually still like this 

And we know the story since then. Years of adventures full of detours, feeling somewhat uncomfortable at all times and having enough go wrong that I have started to expect even the most unlikely complications… yet my love for Indonesia is constant.

So yes, this is the best love story I know. Have you ever heard of a 22 year long love story (that started with a 15 year long distance relationship) and to this day is quite likely completely one-sided?

I doubt it.

So, to the love of my life on your 73^rd birthday, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me grow into the person I am today. Thank you for being a big part of almost my entire life. Thank you for being my home, my inspiration and my lifelong obsession.

I hope you get better and better. I hope you keep making a little more sense to me each year but I hope you keep being you- the crazy, confusing, unpredictable and complicated place I call home. 

I love you, Indonesia.