10 unsolved mysteries of Indonesia

Even after three years in this country I often find myself confused and unable to understand what's happening. Here are ten things I still haven't worked out:

1. How do you sleep on a motorbike?

Indonesians seem to possess some unique ability to sleep wherever they want. Earlier this week, after an extremely delayed flight from Medan to Surabaya we arrived to find the airport staff asleep on the baggage conveyor belt thingy (what's that actually called?). I've seen guys park their trucks outside my house fall asleep ON TOP of their trucks. But this one really got me:

Found this guy fast asleep outside my house two Saturdays ago on a motorbike. How is that comfortable? And how do you not fall off? And, why?

2. Why would you call your first daughter Michelle and your second daughter Vryncess?

So many people in Indonesia give their kids weird names and I actually do have a student called Vryncess who is very smart and sweet... but that name. Weird as well that her older sister has such a normal name. I have also taught a girl called Baby (pretty weird saying 'have you finished your work, baby?' to a 16 year old), twins called Fili and Feli, a five year old called Lionel Richie (there's also a kid called Bill Clinton at one of our other schools) and how can I forget the ten year old named Seaman. Creative names are cool here I guess?

 (not my picture, but a great one all the same)

3. Why do Indonesian guys never give up?

I imagine this guy was thinking something like this " hay... hello... why isn't she replying?.... Maybe I'll say her name a few times?.. okay no... back to hello... hmm it's been more than a year since she replied... I'll try another language... why didn't that work?"  

Seriously bro, if I didn't reply to your 24th message why would I reply to the 25th? 
This is not the only guy who has shown this much perseverance either, so don't try to say that this guy is just weird, I can think about at least three other times I've been through similar things. 

(By the way, the reason I stopped replying is because this guy told me repeatedly that he'd leave his girlfriend for me even though he barely knows me and he has been with that girl since high school. Actually going to go ahead and block him now.)

4. How is the life expectancy so high?

So, yes the life expectancy in Indonesia is lower than Australia. Indonesia male life expectancy is 68.6 years, whereas Australian male life expectancy is 80.1 years. Yes, that is a big difference but it's amazing it isn't even bigger. Scenes like this are normal:

Many times I have seen tasks undertaken in possibly the most dangerous way imaginable. Safety seems to always take the back seat and people seem to use whatever they have to make whatever they need done happen. This mixed with high smoking rates, seemingly terrible healthcare (in my experience) and a high-fat and high-sugar diet makes me amazed that people live as long as they do.

5. Why are parents so annoying?

Just this Wednesday I was teaching a class of kindergartners. There is one kid in the class called Argha who is 3 years old which is in my opinion way too young to be learning English but anyway he is in the class. About fifteen minutes into the class Argha's mum came to the door holding him. Argha was in her arms literally fast asleep.
"Sorry miss, Argha sleepy!" she explained trying to bring Argha into my classroom.
"Umm, maybe you should wake him up first..." I said wondering why you'd ever try to bring a sleeping child into a class.
"Oh" she said. She looked at me like I had suggested a really great idea and took him outside. Seriously wanted to face palm.

I have other weird interactions with parents. Once during a parent-teacher meeting, a mother accused me of lying when I told her that her daughter was doing really well in class.
"No, Prima can't speak any English" said the mother.
"Actually she speaks English really well for age" I replied.
"No, I don't believe you, you're lying. She doesn't know any English."

Umm, okay...


6. Why is everything so complicated?
I've been trying to organise tickets to two different upcoming events in Surabaya this week.
Here are the processes to buy tickets:

Event number 1 (process to get discounted tickets).
-send a photo of your ID card and member card to a phone number.
-transfer payment to someone's bank account.
-send a screenshot proving that you have paid. 
-the person who you transferred the money to will pick up the tickets (I think)
-get your ticket from that person (not clear where from or when)
-prepare a photocopy of your ID card and member card to give to the venue on the night.
-enjoy the show.

Event number 2
-buy a certain prepaid phone card
-activate a certain internet packet on your card
-go to a random stall at the park before Friday and show them that you have paid for the internet packet (I think? Maybe? Still confused...). 
-you will receive a sticker.
-show the sticker to get into the venue.

Do they even want me to go to their event? They seem to be targeting a certain kind of attendee which I guess is people with a lot of time on their hands to do all these things.

This country is hard work...

7. Why are there modelling classes at kindergartens?

Kindergarten is a time to build social skills, develop some motor skills, get used to a classroom setting and if you go to this kindergarten it's time to kick start your modelling career and learn some presenter skills!

Yes, all the important lessons are covered here! And by the time you're finished here you'll be ready to strike a pose for your kindergarten graduation photo! Yes, you heard me right- kindergarten graduation!

Just, why?

8. Why do people want to live in Jakarta?

I know what you Jakarta lovers will say already: "good job opportunities in Jakarta... lots to do... exciting place blah blah blah". 

I get it the jobs pay well, better than Surabaya in many cases I'm sure. But people literally work themselves to death (google it, it's true!).

I also understand that Jakarta is fun and that there's lots to do and see, lots of great events and lots of pretty malls if that's what you are into. I get it, I've been to Jakarta four or five times and had fun. It's an exciting city, I get that feeling too.

But when it comes down to it, the traffic is just so exhausting and frustrating and stressful. The cost of living is far higher than Surabaya. The pollution is terrible. 

I don't understand how you physically wake up every morning and psych yourself up to go out into the world and waste hours in a traffic jam again and again and again. 

9. Is professionalism a thing?
So I was boarding an AirAsia flight to Malaysia in July and I got these messages when I was at the airport:

Translation: I'm Fitri. Airasia. Staff. When you get back to Indonesia, can I be friends with you? You're not mad right?

So basically, the girl who checked me in for my flight for some reason decided she wanted to be my friend and got my number off the AirAsia system and sent me all these messages. 
And it's not the first time. When I first came to Indo in 2011 my friends and I all got Facebook requests from the hotel and restaurant staff at the place we were staying. The only way they could have got this information is from the forms we filled in when we checked in. I never deleted them actually, still got the egg chef on Facebook. Hi egg chef if you're reading this...

10. What is up with this guy?

This happened on Monday at the Harris Hotel in Surabaya. I stayed for four nights this week with my mum and it's an awesome hotel actually. First day at breakfast and this guy actually went dressed in a robe. What the hell? Didn't seem like he had anything on underneath either. What? Why? What are you thinking mate? (Also, had an awkward elevator ride with this guy minutes after I was snapping these pics of him)

"Romeo and Juliet" Surabaya edition

On Halloween last year, I attended a scary event. I wasn’t scared about the Halloween stuff. I was scared because it was a goodbye party for one of my closest friends, Ellie. With plenty of beer to numb the pain and a cool “Captain Indonesia” costume on, I made it through.

Towards the end of the party I met a guy. His name was Terry (fake name) and he just moved to Surabaya from England. He worked for a different English course to me. Apparently there was some kind of drama between teachers at the two schools, but he was too new here to be aware and don't like to get involved with the drama so I was mostly unaware too. We chatted for a bit and because he seemed nice, we exchanged phone numbers. I left the party shortly after, saying an awful goodbye to Ellie. :(

Terry messaged me the next day. I thought his message was kind of lame, it was something like: “so I remembered your name, do I get a prize?” After exchanging a few messages he invited me to dinner.

So we met at La Rucola (a fancy Italian restaurant) one weekday night. I didn't really know if it was a date or just dinner but I didn't mind because at that point I thought he was a really nice guy.

We made small talk, mostly about travel. It was all good. Eventually the conversation got more serious.
"So I told my students about this date and asked for their advice" he said, at least confirming that it was a date.
"And what was their advice?" I asked.
"They said the choice in restaurant was good. They said I should pay and bring you a gift. But that would be seen as weird in our culture."
"Yea... probably don't take dating advice from your students."
We laughed  about it. Later in the evening, he informed me that he and I were like Romeo and Juliet. I questioned why and he explained that it was because of us working at rival English courses. He later said that was a joke but personally I don't think that's a great first date joke (kind of funny to me know though I guess). 
Other than that, he seemed fairly nice.  
At the end of the evening, we walked out of the restaurant. I went to get on my motorbike and he kissed me! On the mouth! Right there for all the people on Doktor Soetomo Street to see. I explained to him that kissing in public was not really cool in Indonesia and left.

We lined up a second date… Oh, that second date always seems to be the last date for me. And to be honest, from the beginning I wasn’t quite in the mood, it was another weekday and we met in Sutos for pizza and beer. Things kind of felt awkward that second time. I felt like we didn't have much to talk about after tackling all the small talk on the first date. Eventually, I told him I was too tired and that I needed to go home. He told me he’d walk me to the motorbike parking lot. I actually felt worried on the way there that he’d try to kiss me again but you can't really say “no, don’t be a gentleman, don’t walk me to my motorbike” can you? (maybe you can...) Arriving at my motorbike, I said goodbye. He told me he wanted to kiss me but there were so many people around.

“Just wait” he told me.

The guys directly opposite me couldn’t start their motorbike. The parking lot was busy I was sure we’d be stuck there forever if we waited for everyone to leave.

“Look I’m really tired, I gotta go” I said after 5 minutes of waiting.

“No one’s looking, let’s just kiss!” he said.

“I really don’t want to do that, someone’s going to see and it's really just not okay here” I said wondering why he seemed so desperate.

I put on my helmet before he could say anything else.

“See you later” I said and drove home.

I wasn't impressed with the second date so when he texted me inviting me to “watch a movie” at his place I declined. He sent a fairly dramatic goodbye message (kinda wish I hadn’t deleted his messages now, it was pretty good), something about wishing me a good life. The dramatic goodbye message was useless anyway, considering we're both part of a tiny expat community of Surabaya and of course our paths were bound to cross many times.

Fast forward a few months.

One Saturday night, my housemates and I had a house party. We don’t do that often and we had quite a few people over. One of our friends brought Terry with him.There were so many people around that I didn't really talk to him a lot though.

While everyone was sitting and chatting in our living room (including some people I had just met that evening) our cat decided to walk in with a live mouse in his mouth. After we shooed him outside things only got weirder.

A local guy (it later turned out he worked at a building site on our street) appeared outside our house and asked for money to buy food. My friend Billy handed him a small amount of cash and he complained that it wasn't enough. My other friend Joy handed him a banana, to which he looked deeply offended and shouted "whoa, I'm not a monkey!". This same guy kept coming and going. He was obviously drunk or on something. He came back once and yelled "can I touch your breasts?" which made me quite angry with him. I shouted at him to leave. He came back again with a guitar but never played us any songs. Towards the end of the night he decided that he wanted to clean Billy's car which was parked on the street. He took off his shirt and started wiping the car with it. Not satisfied with this, he actually started to lick the car and wipe it with his shirt again. All this time, Billy's car alarm kept going off. At this point Billy decided to leave.

Actually it was getting late so around that time most of our guests started to leave. The last remaining person at our party was Terry despite the fact that his friend had left. Terry had spent the party hitting on Joy and trying to get free drinks from random people. Joy and I decided to go into my room and just chill out for a bit. After awhile, Terry invited himself in and sat down. For awhile we were just chatting but then the topic turned to Bollywood films and somehow he ended up performing some kind of Bollywood dance for us. He started being a bit rude by the end and as I had had enough of his weird behavior and I actually stormed out of my own room. Joy told him it was time to go, she called him a taxi and he left reluctantly.

On the way home he sent me a message saying "You know, I used to like you but now I don't." Not the nicest thing to say, but I thought at least that would finally be the end.

I have seen him several times since then. The next time I saw him, he seemed to have forgotten what had happened. After politely making conversation with him despite not really wanting to he asked me if I wanted to hang out with him during the week. No chance.

Once I was at another bar with some friends. I spotted a friend of mine sitting with him and went over to talk to her. After awhile, I realised I had to say something to Terry. So I just said a simple "hey, how are you doing?" to which he responded by telling various embarrassing anecdotes about the mutual friend that he was with(he wasn't even in any of the stories!!). I pointed out that he didn't answer my question and went outside to sit with my other friends.

Soon after he came outside.
"Hello everyone, nice to see you all again" he said, shaking my two friend's hands.
"By the way guys," he continued "I just wanted to tell you that when I was 12 years old I peed myself once. Well, nice to see you guys again. Have a good night!" He walked away.
My friends were confused and I didn't really know what to tell them.

Overall, I don't think Terry is a bad guy, just a weird guy. Every time I see him, something weird seems to happen. Just last Saturday night, he stumbled into the bar my friends and I were at with a 4 prong walking stick (turned out he had a foot injury but a weird sight nonetheless). At one point he asked me to play pool with him and when I declined he said "Oh, you've broken my heart for the second time". Awkward times. 

And you know what? I'll probably keep seeing him every few weeks until I leave this place so this story isn't really over. I don't think it'll all end quite as tragically as Romeo and Juliet but I can't see a happy ending either.