How to win at life (awful advice from me)

I don't know why anyone would want my advice but if you want my advice, here it is. But, I'm not responsible for any weird or awkward situations that occur due to taking this advice because probably the only result you might get is your life ending up like mine. I know a lot of this advice is 'What not to do' but I'm better at knowing what not to do than I am at knowing what to do and if you can avoid making the same mistakes that I have, you'll be better off for it.

1. How to get a boys/girls phone number 

This has been tried and tested* and I know it will work almost all of the time. This is how to get anyone's phone number.

Step 1: Take a photo of/ with the person whose number you want.
Step 2: Say "what a great photo" and try to get them interested in the photo.
Step 3: Say "I can send you this photo" then look down at your phone and say "Oh damn, I don't have your number."
Step 4: They'll give you their number.
Step 5: Win at life.

I actually have a version of this written on a piece of paper somewhere because my friends and I came up with this and I actually thought it was solid advice and worth trying. So please try this and let me know if it really works.

This is the photo I took to test this theory. 

*Tried this on one friend, who probably would have given me his number if I just asked the normal way.

2. How to communicate with your more successful friends

Sometimes other people are just more successful than you and they get their shit together faster than you do but that's okay. That's called reality and you have to accept that. The best thing you can do is handle the matter with optimism and dignity.

I was in this very situation several months ago when a friend from high school messaged me to tell me that she'd gotten her dream job and was in a good relationship and that she was pregnant. Of course I was really happy for her (really, really) but when she asked how my life was going I was faced with a dilemma because how do you compete with dream job, great partner AND baby on the way when you have none of those things?

My reply was basically "I'm doing the same thing I've been doing for 3 years and I've been single for almost 2 years hahaha" which really is a bit of a buzzkill because actually I could have gone along with it and said something positive but I went with that... I sent that message November 24th and still no reply so I'm guessing I said the wrong thing. 

3. How to deal with rude/annoying/incompetent Indonesians

The answer is simple- sarcasm. Most Indonesians (those I've met here in Surabaya especially) don't understand sarcasm and you can use this to your advantage. For example, this guy I work with literally stuffed everything up that he was supposed to do for my class ahead of their parent teacher meeting and then spoke to me quite rudely. So at the end of the day I just said a simple "Thank you for everything today, I couldn't have done it without you" and it was actually comforting to say those words because in my mind I was being really rude and aggressive. But no damage was done because to him I was being unprecedentedly nice. I saw a smile spread across his face and I think we both left work that day feeling good.

It kind of backfired yesterday though because it was my first day back after three and a half weeks in Melbourne and I saw a girl I work with and immediately she said "Ohhh! You've gotten so fat!" (which by the way is a totally acceptable thing to say here and not considered rude). And I was thinking "kind of true, probably should get to the swimming pool tomorrow" (And also "damn you hipster Melbourne burger bars and Easter and Iced Coffee BIG M's") but I guess I was a little upset by it. I just replied with a very sarcastic "Oh thanks for that, I'm really happy to hear that". She obviously didn't notice/understand the sarcasm in my voice and just smiled, nodded and said "so so fat". Great self-esteem boost right there. :)

4. How to lose friends and alienate people 

I actually forgot about for a long time (I probably buried it under the countless memories of awkward things I've done since) but this came back to me about a month ago. Although this is something I'm actually quite embarrassed of, I'll share it with you so you can avoid making the same mistake.

This happened to me in mid 2014 when I was working at Jember (a small town in East Java) for a week. Jember is quite conservative especially compared to trashy Surabaya. I went to Jember during the first week of Ramadan and it is definitely Muslim majority and almost everyone was fasting. No one forced me to fast of course and I'm sure everyone would be really understanding had I not fasted, but I already felt like the only Westerner in town and enough of an outsider that I decided to follow the crowd and fast. 

I thought it would be easy considering I'd already fasted the year before. But I guess I forgot how hard fasting was because you have to get up at 3AM for sahur which basically means shoveling as much food and drink into your system when you're not even hungry and barely even awake so that you can get through to 5:30PM. And I actually only realised I was addicted to coffee when I started having withdrawal symptoms. The teachers at Jember were all like "If you have a headache you don't need to fast" but I was like "I've already starved myself for 10 hours, I'm finishing this!" And when it got to time to break the fast each day, I would break the fast with Panadol rather than food. 

Throughout that week I got hangrier and hangrier and I missed coffee so much. I managed to hide it from the teachers at Jember and instead texted my boyfriend at the time, Frans (still a fake name). I also got so frustrated with the lack of variety in the food there (noodles, rice, noodles, rice, repeat)  and had a mini breakdown over Whatsapp messages about it. Frans got so worried about me that he actually tried calling Pizza Hut in Jember to save me! It got that serious!

By Friday, I was so relieved that the week was over and I had no intention of fasting again after that. On Friday night the teachers all went for after work drinks. Well, I guess it was the Jember equivalent of  that. Instead of beer, we got some STMJ (a drink made of milk, egg, honey and ginger). This was the last thing I had to do in Jember before heading back to Surabaya the next day and remember that I had been on my best behavior all week and despite being starving I still acted like a reasonable human.

Then I fucked up. I don't know why but I made a joke about wanting to marry this random teacher. I really really don't know why because I'd barely noticed him and I don't even remember his name but I just said that.
"He's already married" someone said.
And then I said the stupidest thing possible:
"It's okay, he's Muslim, he can have more than one wife". 
I think I'd completely forgotten that these people barely knew me and didn't know my sense of humor. It also wasn't even remotely funny so I guess I can't blame them for not laughing. But honestly at my office in Surabaya everyone already knows I'm never serious and people would actually laugh (maybe just out of awkwardness... but still)! 
But not in Jember. I was met with a long awkward silence. 
Finally, one of the female teachers broke the silence with three simple words "Polygamy is bad". 

And then it hit me like a ton of bricks that they didn't know I was joking. What do you say to that anyway? Because that girl was right and I didn't want to argue and make it seem like I thought polygamy was good. I sat there in stunned silence realizing what I'd just done. But by then, the conversation had moved on and I didn't want to interrupt reasonable conversation to steer it back to my embarrassing comment. So I left Jember on that note. 
(But seriously all the teachers in Jember were so lovely so I hope they forgot this ever happened too)

Back in Surabaya I headed straight to McDonald's to talk it over with Frans. But, not before he made the sign of the cross so that the McDonald's customers would think he was Catholic and he wouldn't have to feel bad about not fasting (even though we were in the middle of McDonald's and the other customers were also not fasting).

So my advice on this matter is: don't do what I did. Act like a reasonable human while you're around a place where people don't get your stupid sense of humor.


If you guys have any matters that you need advice on, feel free to submit them to the comment box below... and I'll get back to you with some advice, because I'm really good at giving advice as you can see above. Thank you for reading guys, hope you learnt something :). 

Crazy Celebrity Situations 2: RAN

RAN was easily the first Indonesian band I ever fell in love with. It happened one day back when I was still living in Australia when a friend got into my car to take a road trip to Bendigo bringing with him RAN's music. Since then I have listened to their music a lot. 

When I was in Surabaya doing my teaching training I saw that RAN was set to appear in Sutos and jumped at the opportunity to see them. On the day of the event I was so excited about it. When they came out on stage I was mesmerised. It was so much fun and they were so cool. At the end of the concert Nino gave me (and lots of other fans) a high five. I got really nervous and excited and when he gave me a high five and grabbed his hand and when he tried to walk away I didn't want to let go so I just kept holding on and he couldn't walk away... That was a bit awkward I guess.

the best photo I got on the day

The next time I watched them was three years later at Colours pub (aka my least favorite place in the world). The billboards advertising the concert said that it started at "10pm sharps" so after I finished work at 9pm, I went straight over completely skipping dinner. There's something terrible about being in Colours sober so I decided to have a few beers, but three glasses of beer on an empty stomach proved to be quite disastrous. 

By the time RAN came on stage I was pretty drunk! I stopped caring about being normal. At one stage I yelled out "I love you" which is probably perfectly reasonable concert behavior but doesn't really look so cool. Later I yelled out at Rayi, "Rayi! Rayi" Rayi!" and when Rayi looked over I just said "hi" because I didn't know what to say. Then he asked "where are you from?" which I replied with "Australia, America and England" which is an extremely unclear way of answering the question (I was actually at the concert with an American and an Englishman so it kind of makes sense). 

That night was the first (and last) time I rode a motorbike drunk because I didn't really think about what I was doing. But while I was riding I realised that I was too drunk to be riding home so it ended up that I was sitting at some traffic lights giving myself a pep talk in my head "Don't crash, you're almost home, there's no traffic, just drive properly" etc. But after awhile  when I noticed that lots of other motorists were staring at me, I realised I was talking out loud. Don't ride a motorbike while drinking! 

Anyway, a few weeks after that RAN were to come back to Surabaya for another event. Because it was there 9 year anniversary of playing together they organised an event called traktiRAN (traktiran means "to treat someone/ pay for their food") in 9 different cities with 9 winners in each city. Of course when I found out Surabaya was included I started working on my entry immediately. I had to make a collage using pictures from their music videos and write a caption. I spent hours on it over the course of two weeks and even after working on it every day I still wasn't satisfied with it in the end.

Seriously my caption was this long and probably full of mistakes but I don't even care because I love bad English grammar and I hope others appreciate my bad Indonesian :D

Somehow, I got kind of cocky about it at one stage and even spent $100 on a new outfit to wear to meet them (this was several days before I could even enter the competition). At the time I thought of that expression "don't count your chickens before they hatch" but I realised that counting chickens was good fun. I told myself if I believed I was going to get it I'd be more ready to deal with it when I got to the day. I was quite confident until the moment my entry was actually submitted at which point I felt extremely anxious. Lucky I taught 6 classes in the just over 24 hour period that they were accepting entries or I would have spent the whole time on Instagram checking if there were 9 entries better than mine. I wondered if I had written enough, if I had written too much (probably) or if my entry would even be noticed in a sea of other excellent entries. Finally when I got the message saying I'd won, I felt like I could get back to my normal activities (why am I so dramatic?). 

My entry

On the Sunday RAN were set to appear at an event with Sheila on 7 and Raditya Dika which I was super excited about because I love Sheila on 7 too and I have read all of Raditya Dika's books and love them too. I didn't really know what the event was about or how it worked (I'm constantly confused in this country) but I went anyway. I'm going to put the events of the day in point form because it's easier that way. 

• The place was so full of people that it was hard to move around (typical Indonesia though).
• We went into a big hall (actually a basketball court) and heaps of people were squished in there.
• I ran into one of my students there and he asked if I was alone and I didn't want to say I was alone but I obviously was. Slightly awkward.
• I quickly started to feel like I was the oldest person there... I may have been.
• After awhile the MC's came on and told everyone to sit down. They spent 15 minutes telling people to sit down. There was literally not enough room for people to sit comfortably.
• I had to sit uncomfortably for 4 hours because the room was so full it would literally be impossible to get out. Literally was in pain for the next two days.
• I hadn't eaten or drunk anything all day and I was kind worried I'd pass out.
• About 30% of that 4 hours was actually interesting- the talks by Pandji Pragiwaksono and RAN were interesting but by the time Raditya Dika came on I was too tired and dehydrated to even concentrate on what he was saying enough to understand it.
• Finally RAN came on the perform and we were allowed to stand up and I felt 10 times better. 

After RAN's performance I left. I felt like I should go home and have a quick shower because I felt pretty gross after being in that room all day and didn't want to meet anyone looking/ smelling like that. I even had to change my clothes! So I didn't even get to wear my new outfit to meet them but luckily months before I bought an outfit for another future plan (that I've realised is never going to happen), so I wore that instead. 

I met RAN at Soto Cak Har. As soon as I saw them I felt so much more nervous than I had anticipated. I felt like I couldn't even talk in the beginning, there were things I wanted to say but trying to get the words out of my mouth felt impossible. The other girls who won the competition were very nice too and far more confident than me. I eventually convinced myself that I had only one chance and that I shouldn't waste it and managed to say a few things. 

Obligatory celebrity selfies.

RAN were really chilled and down-to-earth and the experience made me feel happy to be a fan of theirs. My top three favorite things about the experience were:

1. None of them said anything dodgy or sleazy or weird. For those people who are interested in people saying sleazy things just wait for Crazy Celebrity Situations part 3  (which in reality I can probably never write because I'll get into too much trouble).

2. They mentioned that they like to use Go-jek which to me was really cool because I'm quite bored of rich/successful people bragging about their drivers and fancy cars and lifestyles. So when Asta said "Yea I just use Gojek in Jakarta because it's quicker" I realised he was about 10 times cooler than I originally thought.

3. The other girls at the event asked for a few things- "can you make a video for my friend to wish her good luck on her exam?"/ "can you write me a long letter in this book?"/ "can you guess the password on my phone?". The RAN guys never said no which I thought was really cool because I'm certain those things made those girls really really happy. 

A couple of months back RAN appeared in Surabaya again. I only found out the night before when I was already kind of drunk. When I woke up the next day I was super hungover and almost didn't go to the show. I told myself it may be my last chance ever to see them (it probably won't), took some painkillers and left. 

By the time I got there I felt better and I really enjoyed watching them. The best part was that I didn't have to endure 4 hours of sitting uncomfortably on a basketball court. Towards the end of the show Asta handed me his guitar pick. You know how guitarists usually throw their guitar pick into the crowd? He walked over and put it straight into my hand! That was pretty cool.

His face is even on it!

I'm not sure if/ when I will get to see RAN again but I really hope I do. I just hope I can see them in places that are a bit more relaxing than that time at the basketball arena. But it's often a lot of effort to see concerts here and you've just got to hope it's worth the trouble. But overall, I feel good knowing that the guys in RAN are good people which makes me enjoy their music even more. 

What happens in Bali...

It's inevitable that almost everyone I meet in Indonesia will ask me my opinion on Bali and then act extremely shocked when I say I'm not a fan. I guess because I'm Australian, I'm automatically expected to like Bali. But in reality it's one of things I have found least interesting about Indonesia. 

Bali is a tourist nightmare where sellers will always follow "I give you good price" with a price at least 4 times higher than a fair price. And no one wants to bargain (everywhere else in Indonesia the bargaining process is even fun) and they don't care that you are speaking Indonesian or that you've told them that your wage is in rupiah, you still a big pile of money to them... People will use tactics like "I need the money because my husband is sick" and whether I think the story is true or not I will ALWAYS fall for it because it makes me feel guilty. And guilty is not a happy holiday feeling.

I just realised I haven't taken many photos of Bali, so you just get this one.

Bali is a place where "transport?" is easily the most common word you'll hear (on the other hand,you'll never have trouble finding transport, I guess?). You cannot walk along a street without being offered goods and services you don't want. It might not always be transport that they are offering. There's also the option of being sold souvenirs, tours, magic mushrooms or anti-anxiety medications (yes, you can buy Xanax by the road, just in case being on holiday was not relaxing enough). 

But these complaints are probably just typical of most tourist places. I think I feel very detached from Bali in general. I feel like just another tourist. I guess I have almost always had more fun while traveling when I've had a local friend to show me the side of the city they know. In Bali I have found it almost impossible to connect with any locals as: 
1. They only seem to want my money, not my friendship.
2. I can't even see a local person because all I can see are a bunch of bogans (sorry to any bogans I offend with this statement).

In saying that, I have been to Bali five times. I've seen Kuta, Legian, Seminyak, Sanur and Ubud and I can say I actually did quite enjoy Sanur, Seminyak and Ubud. 

I liked Sanur because the beach was clean, the food was good, the ice cream was cold and the people where not just disgusting Australians (they were Australian of course but not all of them were disgusting). And Ubud is chilled, though progressively becoming overwhelmingly touristy as well. But last time I was in Ubud I took a cooking course and the people running it were easily the nicest Balinese people I've ever met, it gave me hope.

making satay like a pro

Now, let's move on to Kuta/ Legian. For those who haven't been there, I'll try to describe these places as neutrally as I can. Basically both are the same- dirty, over-priced, crime-ridden stressful and full of the kind of Australians you wouldn't want to touch with a 10-foot pole. Kuta Beach is probably the second worst beach I have ever seen in Indonesia (only a small step up from Kenjeran Beach, Surabaya) but it is always full of (Australian) people who seem to think it's cool. I don't get it! And people always comment on the colour of my skin like "Oh, you're so white, you must have just arrived." so I just say "I've lived here for three years but I actually own sunblock" and it isn't even understandable to them, probably because they are too drunk to deal with such complicated ideas. 

My friend Mel and I stayed in a crappy hotel in Kuta once before flying back to Australia. We just wanted something cheap and the rooms were terrible but there was a huge swimming pool in the middle of the grounds and that was really all we needed. So we spent our time in the pool rather than in the room. 

One day we were in the pool with a group of young guys from Jakarta and a middle-aged Polish man. The Polish man was swimming in his underwear which is already super gross. One of the boys from Jakarta who was probably 18 or 19 years old couldn't swim and stayed in the shallow children's pool. He seemed quite nervous and uncomfortable in the water. The Polish man kept trying to push his head under the water calling this a "swimming lesson" which was really annoying me because it was actually freaking the kid out.

I got into a conversation with the Polish dude
Him: Where are you from?
Me: I'm Australian!
Him: No you aren't. Your skin is white. Australian's are tanned!
Me: Haha, I'm very white but I am Australian.
Him: No you can't be. What about your parents?
Me: They're Australian!
Him: No! Where are they from?
Me: Australia!
Him: And your grandparents? They aren't Australian!
Me: They were born in Australia....
Him: No. You are Russian!
Me: I'm really Australian....
Him: Why are you white???
Me: You can't ask someone why they are white!
Him: You are a Russian girl! You are white! I know Russian girls because I live near Russia!

This went on for a long time. He became increasingly loud and rude.

Weirdly the next day we were eating in a restaurant and a band were playing. A random man went up to the band to request a song. As he passed me he said something to me in another language. I was confused at the time. When he went up to the band they asked him over the microphone where he was from. Turns out he was Russian, so I guess he spoke to me in Russian? Maybe I did look Russian back then...

My first trip to Bali in 2011- I didn't realise there was no pollution in Bali to keep me from getting sun burnt. Yes, there is a positive side to pollution.

Anyway during our trip to Bali we went to Skygarden one night. It's a very famous club in Legian. I don't really like nightclubs but as far as nightclubs go, it's one of the worst.

The night that we were there, we got free entry and two free drinks. Any Indonesians that wanted to go in had to pay to enter and weren't even allowed to go up to the top level. I thought that was totally unfair and also I don't see the point of going to Indonesia and not hanging out with Indonesians so I wasn't impressed.

Many of the people in Skygarden were disgusting. The dance floor was full of drunk people staggering around. We met a bunch of Australians who first told us that they'd never been to Mebourne. Next, they told a fun anecdote about how they tried magic mushrooms and woke up with their hotel room covered in blood. Later, they started bragging about how successful the band they play in was and how many people came to their gig in Melbourne. I guess they didn't remember saying they'd never been to Melbourne. Cool... When we spoke of our travels across Java and Lombok people seemed to say the same thing "Oh I wish I could do that!" but actually anyone could do that if they were willing to leave Kuta Beach long enough...

Skygarden had a sign on the wall saying that due to a large amount of theft in the club they had three undercover security guards in the club but considering Indonesians weren't allowed in that area, you could quickly pick out the 3 undercover guards-the only three Indonesians people on the dance floor. We danced near one of those guys, for safety I guess. But, safe to say, we didn't last long at Skygarden and we went home early due to the fact that we couldn't tolerate it any longer. 

But actually, I went to Skygarden again at the start of this year and it was much better (possibly due to the fact that I didn't speak to anyone there except for the people I was with). And the highlight was that I saw a Rhonda lookalike and I think she must have been there looking for Ketut (If you're not Australian, let me fill you in- Rhonda is this really safe driver who saved so much money on her car insurance that she went to Bali. In Bali she met her soulmate, Ketut. I'm leaving out a lot of details but trust me, it's pretty much the greatest love story I've ever heard. Just watch the video... you won't regret it.).

Anyway, the Rhonda lookalike was there with her daughter, and I think Rhonda was looking for her own Ketut but I guess she was having trouble finding him and she had to try speaking to a lot of different guys to find him. The daughter looked pretty embarrassed but I'm pretty sure all the Australians in the room really were rooting for Rhonda to find her soulmate. I did see some pretty questionable characters in Skygarden, but I wasn't annoyed by them because I didn't have to talk to them.

Skygarden- take 2

Last week I went to Bali again, I'd like to say it'd be my last visit but I'm pretty sure it won't. I had a midnight flight to Melbourne so I decided it'd be a great plan to get an early flight to Bali and spend my Friday there. So, I got up at 5AM (which is ridiculous) to get my 7:30 flight. I'd already been having trouble sleeping for about 2 weeks, so safe to say I was tired. The whole day was me being tired. I left my luggage at the luggage storage place at the airport and walked out of the airport to find a Go-Jek. That was pretty easy and I got to Seminyak for 18,000 rupiah ($1.80ish) so that's pretty cool. So I started with lunch at a little cafe, then I went for a massage. The day started well.

Things went downhill when I decided I wanted my nails painted. I chose bright green for my toenails and yellow for my fingernails. I don't really care what colour and just decided to try something new. Anyway, there was one girl painting my toenails and another doing my fingernails. I guess they didn't realise that I could speak Indonesian because they kept talking about me. 
"These colours are bad, they don't suit her at all" said one girl in Indonesian.
They giggled.
"Do you like the nails?" the girl asked in English, "you can change the colour if you want."
"I love the colour" I said.
"Her shirt is red... That's an ugly shirt. And the nails don't match" the girl continued in Indonesian.
They giggled again. I felt a little angry at the girls but I just sat there and said nothing.
"Nice colours" the girl said in English "most people don't like these colours you know".
"Well, I like bright colours." I said and smiled. 
They switched back to Indonesian.
"This girl is stupid and really ugly." The girl said while laughing loudly. Her friend found that comment hilarious.
At that point, I wasn't angry anymore and I found the whole situation quite comical. I felt like I was hiding a big secret and it was kind of funny to just sit and laugh while they were being like that.
"I really like your nails" I said to one of the girls, "you're really pretty."
They spent the rest of the time I was there laughing at my yellow nail polish and I spent the rest of the time laughing to myself because I can't even imagining caring about someone else's nail polish colour so much. 

When it was time to leave I thought about saying something in Indonesian to make it clear that I understood what was going on. I stood there for a moment and tried to work out what to say but I decided to leave because reacting to their stupidity seemed pretty pointless and I realised I didn't really have to care about or respond to what they were saying.

Is it that awful? Was it worth all that trouble? I actually think my nails look cool and they even match my iPod.

I spent the afternoon in Potato Head- eating, drinking and watching the sunset. The day was okay (although it was completely exhausting) but I don't think I'm interested in ever returning to Seminyak. I was actually more comfortable in the airport that I was at Seminyak so that says a lot. 

I apologise for such a negative summary of Bali. I guess Bali just isn't for me? I don't think Bali would be too offended though because everyone else who goes there seems to love it. But even so, I didn't mean to hate on Bali so much and now I can't really think of anything redeeming to say. So, the best I can do is leave on this: a picture of a beautiful Bali sunset last Friday night. 

Thank you for reading guys.

Crazy Celebrity Situations 1: Momo Geisha

I was going to write all my crazy celebrity moments into one post but it would be the longest post and would probably take an hour to read and no one would read it because it's just too long. So I have decided to split my crazy celebrity into 3 parts. If any other crazy celebrity stuff happens there may be a part 4, but we'll see. I don't know when part 2 and 3 will be posted. My crazy celebrities situations with NOAH may not even be over...


Anyway, Geisha. 
Geisha is a pretty cool Indonesian band with some really nice tunes. My friend Bethany introduced me to their music a couple of years back. My favorite song is Lumpuhkan Ingatanku (Paralyse my memories), check it out if you haven't heard it before.




One day in mid 2014, I was eating at Pizza Hut in Delta Plaza with my ex-boyfriend Frans. We started to notice that the mall was really busy around the Pizza Hut area. Delta Plaza is rarely busy and the area that Pizza Hut is in is just a few crappy restaurants, a ladies bathroom and an electronics shop.
"Why are there police here?" asked Frans.
I looked up and finally focused on the people gathered around. They were wearing T-shirts with the writing My Geisha (the name of Geisha's fan club).
"Huh, Geisha?" I said.
Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye I saw Momo Geisha  making her way towards Texas Chicken with her police escorts. I felt butterflies in my stomach and my hands started shaking.
"Oh my God! That's Momo".
We hurriedly paid the bill and walked next door to Texas Chicken next door to see what was going on. I'm pretty sure it's the most nervous I've ever been in my life, besides the time I had to read the words at a spelling bee in Surabaya with hundreds of people in the room. I was convinced I was going to fart onstage or something just because I'd never been in front of hundreds of people and I didn't know how I'd react. 

It turns out that Geisha were selling their CDs in Texas Chicken and also preforming a few songs. I don't know why in Indonesia there's a connection between fried chicken chains and music here but there certainly is one. A few years back, NOAH released an album and I looked up where to buy it. According to their Twitter account they were for sale in KFC so one day I awkwardly went up to the cashier in KFC and said "Umm, strange question but do you sell NOAH CDs?". And they did. Another complex Indonesian cultural thingy that I don't understand, I guess. 

Anyway, back to Texas Chicken. I got to buy a CD from Momo directly which was terrifying because I didn't realise how pretty she was until I saw her up close and I was lost for words. Frans was laughing at me and my shaking hands and how ridiculous I was being. I don't know why I reacted like that. Momo was very friendly and welcoming but I was a little overwhelmed, especially seeming I'd had no time to prepare for this mentally. 

After people bought the CD's, Geisha played a few songs which was really exciting because I'd never seen them live. When Lumpuhkan Ingatanku came on I started singing along and Momo realised I knew the words and put the microphone in front of me at one point which was super scary and amazing.

After that night, I started listening to Geisha a whole lot more.

A few months later, Bethany visited Indonesia and she decided to get a tattoo. She got a giant map of Indonesia across her stomach with the lyrics to Lumpuhkan Ingatanku written across the middle. True fan right there.

Last year, I got to watch a full Geisha concert for the first time (actually it was the same day I'd been at that terrifying spelling bee). It was outside Grand City mall and I watched alone so the MC's of the event kept talking to me and asking a billion questions to kill time. People watching the concert kept laughing at whatever answer I offered, I guess because they aren't used to foreigners doing Indonesian stuff. When Geisha came on I didn't really care about that anymore. I really enjoyed that concert actually.

I also follow Momo Geisha on Instagram and a few weeks back I saw that she would be launching her fashion line in Surabaya and selling crab for her restaurant the Naked Crab. 
at an event called Kepo Market at Galaxy Mall. The event ran from Friday 29th January until Sunday 31st. The first day of the event just happened to be two weeks before Bethany's birthday so I had a plan to go and ask Momo to make a birthday message for Bethany. I had no idea if she would say yes, but you never know until you try, right? 

So on Friday I went straight home after work at 7:30 quickly got changed, ordered a Gojek and left. I'm pretty sure everyone around me on Friday thought I was crazy and I didn't even know if it would work out so I felt crazy too. On the way to Galaxy Mall it started raining and I was just thinking "Oh my God! You can't meet Momo Geisha if you're dripping wet" luckily my Gojek driver had a rain poncho and I didn't get too wet. 

I headed up to the 6th floor of Galaxy Mall quickly and nervously and impatiently all at the same time and walked around in circles at the fair until I saw Momo. I stopped about 10 meters away from her and  took a deep breath. As I got my iPad out I saw Momo notice me, because I was the only foreigner in there and I was lurking around her stall. I took another deep breath and walked over. This was the incredibly awkward conversation (translated obviously):

Me: Momo.... ummm... Momo yea?
Momo: Hello, how are you?
Me: Um... I'm fine... Uhh, I just want to ask you something.
Momo: Well, today I'm selling crab. Would you like to buy some crab?
(I think this was basically a polite way of saying "If you wanna talk to me, you've gotta buy something" which is fair enough.)
Me: Um. What type of crab is there?
Momo: *points at a menu with 2 things on it*
Me: Uh, I'll try the soft shell.
Momo: With which sauce?
Me: Is there a spicy sauce?
Momo: Do you want a spicy sauce?
Me: Uh no! Ummm.... I mean I want the non-spicy sauce.
Momo: Okay.
Me: Umm Momo I want to tell you something.
Momo: Yes?
Me: I have this friend.... from England.... and she's a big fan of Geisha and she got a tattoo. And ummm.... just look.
(After realising I was still babbling nervously I just  took out my iPad to show her the picture of the tattoo.)
Me: It's the lyrics of your song. See, Lumpuhkanlah...
Momo: (She finally seemed interested) What?! 

She turned to a guy holding a fancy camera. "Film this! Look, this foreigner has a tattoo of Geisha lyrics. Let's make a video!" she said. When I asked her what the video was for she said "for TV" and I thought she was bullshitting. On Tuesday when one of my students told me she saw me on TV, I realised that Momo was serious.

I knew I'd find myself on one of these celebrity gossip shows eventually...

The guy started filming. They filmed a 5 minute video of me explaining the tattoo. Momo then took out her camera and took a photo of the picture on my iPad. I realised it's now or never. "Ahh, Momo can I ask a favor? It's my friend's birthday in two weeks. Can I film you saying happy birthday to her? It'll make her so happy." Momo agreed which made me finally feel relieved and made the video.

"Why hasn't your food come yet?" Momo asked and went over to ask about my crab. Later she returned bringing my crab. It's quite nice when one of your favorite celebrities brings you your dinner. I could get used to that kind of treatment.

I didn't get to eat much before they started filming me again. They asked if I liked the crab and then they asked me to sing a Geisha song. "I'm kind of nervous so can you sing with me?" I asked her. "Sure but you start" she said. When I sang the first line of the song she seemed shocked that I really knew it. So I awkwardly sang the song with Momo Geisha and saw several people filming it. This country is weird.

I look so uncomfortable....

All together I was probably with Momo for a good 30-45 minutes which was really crazy considering all I expected was a 10 second video. I bought a sweater from her fashion line afterwards (kind of felt like I owed her after all that). Anyway, I'm very grateful for her making the video.

I saw Geisha in concert last Saturday. Yes, I left my house on a Saturday night which is actually a big deal and even more shocking was the fact that I dressed nicely and went to a mall. I felt more Surabayan than ever, for real. The concert was literally in the middle of Tunjungan Plaza and I arrived an hour before the show, a little wet from the Gojek ride (seems to be the theme of this story now). 

I just milled around TP3 randomly because for some reason I felt that wearing wedges to the mall was cool but it actually just made me slower and reluctant to shop. So I just stood one level above where the concert was to be, sneakily evading an impromptu "so what's it like to be the only foreigner here?" interview that event MC's usually give me. As pre-concert entertainment there was a singing competition going on and I thought I was being racist because literally every singer sounded exactly the same (maybe it was my own twist on the "all Asians look the same" thing?). Eventually, I worked up the courage to go downstairs and stand actually in front of the stage, at which point I realised it was a lip-sync competition, not a singing competition. I guess that makes more sense than 10 singers sounding exactly the same, but a lip-syncing competition at the mall doesn't make THAT much sense.  

The event was sponsored by a hardware store so some shameless advertising was mandatory before anything of interest came on. This came in the form of an interactive dance with a video going in the background which made it look as if the dancers were building some kind of office building, and then they ran up stairs and jumped off ran through the street and ended up at the very hardware store that sponsored the event. I don't know why the went there after the building project was completed but these kind of questions almost always go unanswered. 

I was standing right by the stage when Geisha finally came on and really I was glad I dragged myself off the sofa on a Saturday to see it. The show was really good. The crowd were really into it. It made me laugh because every time Momo stepped closer to the fans watching, they lunged forward and tried to touch her. Yet just a month earlier I had spent 40 minutes speaking to her and anyone could just walk over and have a conversation with her but no one really did. Now, there were several security guards stopping a crowd from even giving her a high-five. 

Anyway, I think this blog post is long enough. I've probably lost most of you by now. I'll just add that I may or may not ever get the chance to watch Geisha again so I'm very grateful that I got to experience all this. Even if it meant dragging myself to four different malls and waiting around awkwardly every time... in the end it has all been worth it.

Thanks for all the blog views guys even though I haven't posted in a few weeks. I really appreciate it! :) 
  

16 things I WILL miss about Indonesia

1. The people

This list is not in any particular order, but I can't deny that I'll miss the people the most. For starters, the friends who have filled my life with so much happiness and laughter. So many unforgettable holidays, nights out and nights in. So many ridiculous conversations and so many people who have been there for me when things got rough. I've met some of my favorite people in the world in Indonesia and I'm lucky to say I now have amazing friends all over the world. 

Aside from friends, I also have colleagues who have made my life so much easier and taught me so much and have always been ready and willing to help when there's a problem.

I will miss everyone from Bu Tina who sells me chicken curry without the chicken and always remembers my order, the siomay lady at Bilka who always notices when I haven't bought siomay in awhile (never got your name but I'll miss you so much), the cute cashier at Pie 33.... I won't forget you guys! 


2. The food

Man... gado-gado for lunch all the time, duck, Indonesian curry, siomay every Sunday afternoon, tempeh everywhere,- my life won't be the same without you guys. :( Special mention to Carl's Junior and the Malaysian restaurant at Galaxy Mall- you're not Indonesian but I still love you. My taste buds will greatly miss you all.

A time when you can't eat siomay in bed is a sad time for sure.

3. Easy life 

Seriously Indonesia allows you to put off being a real adult. Hate washing dishes? No worries, your maid will do it. Hate washing clothes? You can pay someone a few dollars to do it (or get your maid to do it). Hate cooking? Stop at a food stall and get some rice for $1 or call for delivery (or gojek it) and get whatever food you want delivered to your door. Nothing to worry about, no need to be a real adult just yet.

Plus you don't need to be stressed about being on time. No one is! Take it slow and enjoy not having to worry about much.

4. My students

My students are pretty much the coolest, cutest and most fun kids you'll ever meet and I have so much fun teaching them. The cute things they say are enough to brighten up even the worst days and seeing them improve and learn new things and grow up has been such a blessing. They've taught me so much too such as patience and understanding. 

Some of my older students as well have really shown me different ways of thinking and I'm so grateful when a teenager or adult is willing to take the time to explain their world to me. Getting to know so many different people from all different backgrounds has been an amazing blessing.

5. My house

My house (and the people in it) is so amazing. I have a big air-conditioned bedroom, nice showers and a big kitchen. Can't complain. Also got to live with some cool (mostly British) housemates and an adorable kitty. Pretty much paradise right here.


6. Riding a motorbike

Every time I have gone home  I have missed that beautiful motorbike and the feeling of cruising through the city. Motorbikes aren't safe in Australia so I would never have one there but I will miss mine so much. I wish I could take me dear NOAHbike everywhere I go.

this is actually my previous NOAHbike not my current one

7. Traveling

Indonesia has at least 10 public holidays a year plus at work we get 4 weeks leave plus one week at Ramadan and usually two weeks at Christmas as well as the possibility of taking unpaid holidays between contracts. I've discovered so many amazing places in the three years I've had here- Tana Toraja, Gili Air, Belitung, Lake Toba, Derawan and Bogor to name a few. And...there's still so much left to see. Indonesian is so beautiful.

Sunset in Seminyak, Bali

Lake Toba

Kuta, Lombok

8. Unpredictability

The monotony of day to day life is enough to wear anyone out but things seem to stay interesting. Weird stuff happens literally all the time (hence this blog) and that keeps me interested. I am really suited to this chaotic, messy, unpredictable lifestyle.

It feels like anything could happen at anytime and the things that you couldn't even imagine happen. For example You could wake up one day and find your house is covered in Ash after a volcano 100 km away erupted. You could accidentally meet one of your favorite celebrities at a chicken shop (see point 11). A terrible video of you singing in Indonesian could generate almost 175,000 youtube views despite the fact you can't sing.
  
There are no limits to this life. 

Writing your name in volcanic ash

9. Job

Actually I have an awesome job here. It's not too difficult or demanding most of the time, the kids are amazing, the people I work with are lovely and it is so rewarding. For a first teaching job, I really lucked out. It was the perfect environment to learn in and I got enough variety to really practice my teaching skills.

10. Weather

Man, I've skipped 3 winters and have no idea how I'm gonna cope. First thing I'm buying when I get home are winter coats, boots and thermals! I love this warm weather, especially when it cools off a little in the afternoon and evening and you can just sit outside and enjoy.
Seriously if it drops to 20 degrees I freak out, how will I survive anywhere else?

11. Music

I've watched all my fave Indo bands here- NOAH, Geisha, RAN, Sheila on 7, Slank, Nidji D'masiv and Gigi and looooooove the atmosphere at gigs. I know every photo I see of a NOAH concert is gonna make me want to get on a plane back to Indonesia. Other than that, there's literally music everywhere- often bands play in food courts at malls (not sure that that's a good gig). Even the mall I work next to has it's own theme song and it plays all the time! I'll really miss having music around me all the time.

concerts at take away stores don't happen as much as they should in Australia.

12. The sound of a mosque

You know, lots of people complain about the sound of mosques but I think it's actually beautiful. Excluding the one time Joy and I were in Jepara and it sounded like the mosque was INSIDE our hotel room, I have actually enjoyed the sound of the mosque. The feeling of walking around in the evening as the sun is setting and hearing the mosque at the end of the day is wonderful. 

13. Aston Hotel

It might sound silly, but Aston hotel is pretty much the greatest. There's no way I could afford such a fancy hotel in Australia or most other countries so I have thoroughly enjoyed my stays at 5 different Aston hotels. You never fail to make me feel better Aston <3. See you soon...

14. Prices

I like to have choices. When I have a lot of money I'll go to a nice restaurant. If I want to save money I'll buy gado-gado down the street for a dollar. A lot of options = a lot of happiness. In Australia that option does not exist. It's basically cook for yourself or run out of money. 

15. GO-JEK

GO-JEK (a motorbike taxi/ delivery service) has been my saviour during many tough times. When I was hung over one morning, I was able to get McDonalds into my system without even leaving my couch (well except to go to the front gate to get my food). Those days when I was too lazy or too tired to drive to work, GO-JEK got me there. And all for the low price of $1.50. Amazing.

16. General happiness



Through all the trials and tribulations, muggings and the initial boy problems, friends leaving and work occasionally being a nightmare- I still see Indonesia as a happy place.

Happy in Indonesia since 2011

 Many people don't know that from when I was 13 until I was 21 I suffered some pretty bad mental health issues and in 2010 finally went through treatment that helped me. I fought so hard because I wanted to go to Indonesia the next year and I needed to be well enough. And honestly, Indonesia's the first place I remember feeling happy and normal. 

I felt like I had a second chance because no one knew me and I could be a positive and happy person. It was the beginning of my new life and I'm so grateful for the happiness this country has given me. From the second I landed in Jogja back in January 2011 until now, already 5 years later. Indonesia has made me stronger, more patient, more independent and more able to do what I need to do to be happy. 

Thank you Indonesia! I'm so glad I get to live here.