This is what living in Indonesia has done to me

Indonesia has been my home for almost six years now but I still feel like an alien here sometimes.

It's kind of weird. I still sometimes get called "tourist" by random people in the city where I've spent most of my adult life. On the other hand, sometimes my Indonesian friends say stuff like "you're more Indonesian than me now". Of course, this is absolutely ridiculous considering I drink alcohol, hate malls, have loads of tattoos and speak English almost all the time (I know these aren't foolproof examples but it's true).

I'm not really that Indonesian.

look how much I blend in

But what am I? I can't still be a "tourist" but I'm not a real Indonesian either. Six years here has changed me significantly but what has it changed me into?

Let me explain who I am now.

I operate on Indonesian time

Let's be honest, most Indonesians aren't that clear about time.

choose your own time zone

For example, several years ago I was at a NOAH concert and someone asked the band when their next album would be released. The lead singer answered "the new album will be released after Idul-Fitri" and the crowd went wild. 
But, actually that is not an answer. What exactly does "after Idul-Fitri" mean? After July? So, August? December? Next year? 
As I looked around the cheering crowd, it seemed clear that no one else was concerned by this. Everyone seemed to be able to accept that it would be released "after Idul-Fitri" and were happy to celebrate this.

Likewise, when you ask someone when something will happen, "after this" is a common answer. It could make sense if you were given some context but the "this" is rarely defined. Additionally, from my understanding the word "later" can be used to mean "imminently" or "never" and "besok" (literally "tomorrow") can mean "tomorrow" or "sometime in the future".

After a while you know that if you organise for a car to pick you up at 9:00 they'll likely come as early at 7:30, but if you organise to meet your friend in the mall at 7:00 they could easily come at 9:00 without any apologies. 

But, you get used to this.

I realised that this wasn't an issue for me anymore a few months ago when I was in Bali. I was travelling with Bethany and two of her friends who she works with in Hong Kong. We were staying in a hotel near the airport but had organised transport from our hotel to go to Nusa Lembongan (a smaller island to the east of Bali). We'd arranged to be picked up at 9:00 AM so we rushed to get ready, have breakfast and were waiting in the hotel lobby promptly around 9:05. 

There was no sign of the car so we decided to order coffee from the small cafe in the lobby of the hotel. I sat there completely content, sipping my coffee, looking forward to the rest of the day. As time passed Bethany's two friends seemed more and more concerned about the fact that we hadn't been picked up yet. And I think that would have been my reaction before. 
Bethany (who spent 2 years in Indonesia) and I were completely relaxed. 

And that's how I am all of the time. When people are late, I don't care. When I'm late, I don't care either. I'm happy to say "I'll be there later" and leave it at that.

I can't cope with the toilet situation in Australia

This story is kinda gross, just warning you ahead of time. Feel free to skip it.

right before "it" happened.

For those who don’t know, in Indonesia toilet paper isn’t such a big thing. Some people use it, others don’t. The standard is for a toilet have a small hose next to it to wash off once you’ve done your “business”. The ideal is to use the hose to clean yourself, then use some toilet paper to dry off.

It feels better, it’s cleaner and after five years of doing this, I got used to this system.

When I was in Australia earlier this year, I was at a loss. How was I gonna use the toilet without my precious “bum gun”? I was scared. My body seemed to instinctively know that it wasn’t safe to use the toilet and after I had been in Australia for 1 week I still hadn’t done any “business” (gross info #1). Actually, with extreme changes in diet this is quite plausible, but I think also I was just scared to do it.

I did have a plan that when my body regulated and I needed to go to the toilet, I would take a shower immediately afterwards. But, let’s just say… this plan failed.

I was sitting on the beautiful Byron Bay beach eating burritos with my friend Joy when I felt my stomach gurgle. I knew then and there that something bad was about to happen and in a public toilet of all places. I explained to Joy (extremely dramatically) my predicament and my fears about the lack of toilet hoses. She thought I was being a little over the top (which was true) and that things would be fine (which was not true).

My stomach gurgled again, we were around 45 minutes from the house we were staying in but I knew I didn’t have much time left. I made my way reluctantly to the public restrooms by the side of the beach. I queued and found myself meeting my destiny in that dirty public toilet in Byron Bay.

It was one of those “robot” self-cleaning toilets. Here's a random Youtube video of this if you don’t know what I'm talking about: 

 As I walked into the room the robot voice assured me “door locked, you have 10 minutes”. So I went for it. Only, a few minutes into taking care of my long-overdue business I heard a voice. The robot toilet. “No motion detected” he said and gave some kind of warning that I should move around if I was still in there. I started panicking moving my arms about doing some weird kind of toilet dance, making as much “motion” as I could from a seated position.  “No motion detected. Door will open” was the robot’s response. I panicked and jumped up “mid-business” running towards the “lock” button which was conveniently located near the door, not near the toilet. The door flew open and a girl appeared at the door looking puzzled. “oh, I’m sorry” she said. I didn’t manage to say anything. I just hit the lock button and tried to finish what I had started.

I’ve had serious toilet trust issues since then.

When I returned to the beach Joy asked me how it all went.

“Not good bro, not good” I replied “I miss Indonesia”.

And I’ll never take the bum gun for granted again. 

My English is getting worse and worse

I'm an English teacher and I'll admit: my English is actually terrible sometimes. When I’m too lazy to think about what I’m saying I just speak the kind of English I hear all day- the inaccurate English I hear from my students (that in the process of attempting to fix, I've accidentally taken on).
Take these examples from recent Whatsapp conversations if you don't believe me.

When you're too lazy to say "can you put it in the fridge?" just say "can you cold it?"

This made sense in my head.

from my language, seems legit

To my students (and my boss): please don't lose faith in me. I speak properly during class, I just don't have energy for that after hours. Please trust me.

I feel happy when my flight is delayed (because it isn't cancelled)

A few years ago, I was with my mum at Medan airport. We arrived there super early because we allowed a lot of time to get there from Lake Toba but we had a crazy driver who I think set a new speed record from Lake Toba to Medan Airport but almost killed us 39405045 times in the process due to his crazy driving. 

But I was okay with our earliness because the airport had a New Look and a Cotton On and that was exciting at the time.   But of course the flight was delayed... ridiculously delayed (3 hours). I still wasn't even stressed too much because I'm used to it. Plus, I had stuff to do and wanted to spend 3 hours writing anyway. PLUS there was carpet on the floor and for some reason I get really excited by sitting on carpeted floors these days. I guess I was alright because I'm easily occupied. My mum- who is not as well-versed in Indonesian airport delays (though does have some experience in this herself) was a little less relaxed by it (perfectly normal if you ask me, not everyone can be entertained by a carpeted floor) and when they announced the delay what came out of her mouth was a few swear words. I don't remember exactly what she said but there was definitely a word starting with "f" in there and my mum isn't the kind of person who swears a lot (I could count the number of times that I've heard her say that particular word on one hand). 
I just sat on the floor and joked around and laughed for 3 hours. 

Which reaction is normal?

When I was flying to Bali a few months ago to meet Bethany, my flight was 3 hours delayed again. But I was so happy. When the choice is "delayed" or "cancelled", you start to feel like you've won the lottery when you only have to wait 3 hours. AirAsia also gave all of us free McDonalds which made it easier to forgive them. After 304093 airport delays in Indonesia, you can expect to just feel happy when it happens for the 304094th time. 

I had an "Indonesian style" marriage freak out

Some time ago, almost three years after my ex-boyfriend (previously referred to as Frans on this blog) and I broke up, he asked me if I wanted to "pretend marry" him just for status. He explained that we could "make a deal" and it'd be cute to have a mixed-race baby. I immediately declined his offer, thinking that it would be crazy to see marriage as soon kind of arrangement. My exact words were "let's wait" but I never considered I'd get back to him on this.

I changed my mind completely six months later.

Please understand that in Indonesia everyone is obsessed with marriage. They question you constantly about when you'll get married. And getting married is like, the only choice. If you don't get married you'll be miserable, you'll have no future and no hope (according to these people who are probably miserable themselves). Women also "expire" at around 25 which is probably around the expected age of marriage.

I seriously never cared.

Well.... until December last year when I suddenly started freaking out about being left behind and dying alone then finally, Frans' offer seemed like my best hope.

I explained this to several friends. My reasons in favor of an "arranged marriage" being that love fades anyway and it's better to see it as a financial arrangement. That seemed more likely to last than relying on "love". I also felt that the fact that I still cared about my ex-boyfriend after all that time was a sign of at least some kind of "love".

When I explained this to my Indonesian friends they understood what I was talking about completely (some asked why my thinking was "so Indonesian" but, fair enough) but when I explained it to my Australian friends I was met with blank stares and comments like "so... you've given up?".

I messaged Frans one night when I was drunk in Bali. He said we could talk about it later. I don't know when "later" is, but it's okay. 

my drunk texts to my ex are so coherent too 

(I have since returned to my normal state of not caring about marriage, so don't worry)

So, after 6 years in this country, what am I?
Still foreign? A tourist on a very long holiday? Semi-Indonesian? Irreversibly changed enough to be completely incomprehensible to almost all people? 

Please, if you can answer this, let me know.