SuraBYEya and SuraHIya

“I began to feel that the country was one giant Bad Boyfriend. It tickles the senses and elasticates the thinking. It prompts laughter, produces the warm fuzzy feeling that goes with familiarity and slightly embarrassing shared intimacies. Then it forgets the important anniversaries, insults friends and tells endless low-grade lies. Just when you think you are really getting to know it, it reveals some hidden secret or reinvents itself completely. With Bad Boyfriends you know full well it will all end in tears, and yet you keep coming back for more.”

-Elizabeth Pisani “Indonesia Etc.”

Well, I left my Bad Boyfriend (kind of).

a goodbye party is pretty serious right?

Late last year, in the middle of crippling anxiety and coping with PTSD (which is a story for another time) I started to blame Indonesia. After one too many issues, I made a decision. After five years of ups and downs, I broke it off with my Bad Boyfriend.

gifts and love from my beloved students made it even sadder

I sold my motorbike, gave away the majority of my possessions, cried for weeks, permanently tattooed my company’s mascot into my skin (as you do), had a goodbye party and got on the one-way flight towards “moving on with my life” and “doing something new”. It was all on track.

Even the tattoo artist laughed at this.

I didn’t think I could. I didn’t think it was possible. I’ve booked so many one way flights only to book one way flights back. From the day I told my boss I was quitting through to the day I left, I thought something would change my mind and I’d stay.

But, I didn’t. I left my bad boyfriend and it sucked.

when you ask your student for a "goodbye selfie" but he tickles you as you take the photo 

I know what you’re gonna say: it doesn’t count as leaving when you go running back. But it does. I had no intention of going back. When I said goodbye to Tria at the airport crying like a baby (while everyone stared at me) I thought it was the end. But somehow I still got on that plane. 

this "welcome home" hug from my cousins was pretty great though

And I kept it up. I spent hours looking for jobs in Hong Kong. I dressed up in (non-khaki-coloured) office attire and sat in my room nervously answering job interview questions, in the awkwardness that is Skype interviews. I tried really hard, determined to move on from my Bad Boyfriend.

But the interviews didn’t impress me. I’m passionate about teaching and was looking for an opportunity to improve. Being told by one interviewer that I could “make my lesson fun by playing a board game at the end” and that “kindergartners can’t make full sentences in English” made me question my choices. I explained to the interviewer that I believed the end of the lesson should be reserved for the most important, freer practice activities and that I had successfully taught three year olds to make short sentences in English within a few meetings. I went on to ask a million questions about their teaching methodology and opportunities for career development which the interviewer was unable to answer.

no khaki allowed

I realised later that I was being kind of condescending. 
This took me back to a time in Surabaya when a foreigner with "tidak abadi" tattooed on his arm accused me of being condescending (though I’m still not sure which of the two times I spoke to him was the condescending one- the time I explained my lesson plan or the time I helped him order a Gojek) but I saw for the first time that maybe he was right about me. 
When I still got offered the job after being the condescending interviewee, I was even more worried about the quality of the school.

Other than interviewing for ridiculous jobs, I was contending with the part of me that always fights for Indonesia. I forgot that that voice inside my existed but from the first time I visited Indonesia in 2011 that voice started screaming at me. Immediately after returning from Yogya, I came home to find him screaming at me “you need to go back to Indonesia!” with urgency and determination that I was unable to silence. The only cure, a flight back to Indonesia a year later. I gave him a five week holiday in Indonesia but immediately back in Australia, he started screaming again. 

I hadn’t heard from him in about five years, because even when I came back from Indonesia between work contracts, I had a flight back to Surabaya booked so he never said anything. But when I arrived home in February he was back immediately, louder than ever.

I tried to ignore him for as long as I could but slowly my thoughts switched to “as soon as I have holiday in Hong Kong, I’ll go to Surabaya”. Then “I wonder if I can fly to Hong Kong via Surabaya?” (because that's such a reasonable flight route) and finally, “If I don’t get a job in Hong Kong soon maybe I can work in Surabaya for a few months so I don’t run out of money”.

Yes, I’m weak. I emailed my boss in Surabaya a massive 3 weeks after I had left.

In the meantime, I had more job interviews for Hong Kong. I hadn’t given up. I ate Indonesian food increasingly regularly. I sent regular ridiculous postcards to my old office. I cried in the middle of a food court when I got a copy of a job description that seemed promising but wouldn’t give me enough holiday to visit Indonesia.

I was gone 2 months (and that's not even all of them)

It was adding up to one thing. So I booked yet another one way flight to Indonesia 

I don’t know how this makes me look, I might seem like one of those super-clingy ex-girlfriends who can’t move on.

looking thrilled to be back in khaki

But I don’t mind. Me and my Bad Boyfriend have something good going on over here. I know he can be super confusing and annoying and sometimes I really have no idea how to understand him. I’ve let him hurt me more times than I can count and there are things I really hate about him. He isn't perfect.

But, I love him and I always will. He’s made me a better person, helped me to grow up, to be kinder, more patient and more understanding. He takes me on adventures that would be impossible without him. He surprises me, challenges me and inspires me almost everyday. 

So no, I’m not really ready to let him go for now and maybe I never will be.