The most complicated pros and cons list you've probably ever seen

This year so far has been extra amazing.

I don't know why exactly but somehow it has. Somehow, I have found myself learning a lot and working to improve myself and have started to figure out what kind of person I want to be. I've gotten into a really cool rhythm and have actually found myself feeling happier than I've ever been in my life.

I had every intention of getting my shit together, going back to Australia next year and getting my Masters degree. Actually, I wasn't even supposed to be in Indonesia right now, but I seem to take every opportunity to put off leaving here (because it will probably be the hardest thing I ever have to do). Every time I think about leaving, I want to cry. I don't know why but for the longest time I have felt like that.

This was supposed to be my last year. In my mind there was no doubt that I was leaving. Of course I was devastated by the prospect but I was going to do it.

Then, a few months ago a friend of mine said something along the lines of "don't leave, you love Indonesia, you should just stay". No one had told me to stay before and after it was suggested to me my brain became fixated on the idea of staying. I tried to push that thought to the back of my mind but failed.

Of course it made me feel bad, like I'd been making empty promises about returning. I have an overwhelming fear that eventually my family will give up on me. I have another fear that eventually I won't have any friends left in Australia. But I sat down and for the third time in my life wrote a pros and cons list on staying or leaving (I really should have just kept the last two, it would have saved time).

So, I want to share this list with you.I decided that not everything on the list was equal so I decided to use a colour-coding system to reflect that. I also may have missed a few things.
The items listed in blue are worth 3 points, those in purple are 2 points and the ones listed in pink are worth 1 point each. The points from the cons were subtracted from the points from the pros.

Stay in Surabaya

PROS

Blue

• I'm happy- This is obviously the number 1 most important factor in it for me.

• Can travel more- Being located in Asia and having a lot of annual leave makes this a reality.

• Love my job- I think I'm part of the minority of people who drive to work with a smile on their face everyday. None of this "I hate Mondays" for me.

• More free time- Due to really reasoable working hours and not having to do any housework I guess.

Purple 

• More fun- I'm not 100% sure on this one but I feel like theres a lot more serious stuff that has to be done in Australia. Plus going out for meals, karaoke, concerts etc. is so cheap here that it is easy to have a lot of fun.

• Amazing friends- Obviously and I seem to keep finding more amazing people around somehow.

• Lots of holidays- 4 weeks annual leave, 1 week off at Idul Fitri, 1-2 weeks off at Christmas, approx. 15 public holidays a year and the opporunity to take up to 6 weeks off (unpaid) between contracts. I don't know many jobs that give you so many holiday days.

• Easier lifestyle- Things are just easy here, people are chilled out, there's no rush to do anything etc.

• Nice house- Yea, having a big bedroom and a house full of nice people to come home to is awesome. :)

• Gojek/motorbikes- I miss my motorbike even when I'm away for a few weeks. And gojek just makes my life so convenient- hung over? Order a burger on Gojek... problem solved.

• My laundry lady- I hate doing laundry. Having your clothes washed and ironed for you for $3 a week? Amazing.

• More unpredictable- I love the idea that anything can happen at any time. Even after four years here I still feel like I can't predict what's coming up next.

Pink

• Good routine- Eating well, gym, social life- I could probably have this in Australia too but I'm scared that I won't
• Improve my Indonesian- I haven't made any effort towards doing this in a long time but I really want to.

CONS

Blue

• Feel like I'm not really achieving anything- I'm not really a career-focused person but I also don't want to achieve nothing or do the same thing for my whole life. Getting a Master degree would allow more options

Purple

• Not a good place to be if sick- Yea, it really isn't. Ask anyone who has been sick here. Hospitals are businesses, doctors have no idea and even seeing a doctor is stressful.

• Hard to find solutions to problems- When things go wrong you're gonna have to work hard to sort it out.

• I feel like a terrible daughter- Yea I do. Sometimes I feel like I'm being really selfish.

• Stressful because people always leave- Yea, not all my friends love it as much as I do, so I've outlasted a lot of people. Saying goodbye sucks. Every time.

• Being stared at/annoyed by random people- An ungoing issue. No one stares at me in Australia which is really nice.

• Khaki trousers- This is in reference to my uniform by the way. A valid problem for sure.

Pink

• No relationship prospects- Yea, don't see myself meeting someone here due to the cultural differences (and being extremely picky) but to be honest not my greatest concern/ priority at the moment.

• Never really going to have any money- I spend it all on traveling and never seem to get ahead. Could be exactly the same in Australia though.

TOTAL= 13 points
   

Go back to Australia

PROS

Blue

• Family- Yes I really do miss my friends and family. And when things go wrong I really want to be there for my family. It's extremely hard to stay in contact and maintain good relationships too.

• Better for the future- More options, more financial security. These are all great things.

Purple

• Healthier- Eating well is easier in Australia. Plus I'd be more likely to say- go for a walk or spend time outside there.

• Beach/more to do- Lots of fun events, lots of natural stuff. Stuff to do outside a shopping mall. Stuff to do that doesn't cost money. These are beautiful things.

• It's a good challenge- I do have things very easy here. It would be really good for me to grow up a bit and try something else.

• Less traffic/ pollution- Both of these are getting worse and worse.

Pink

• Get masters- Would be a cool piece of paper to have.

• Easier place to live- In terms of when things go wrong. I mean knowing what to expect and how to fix problems would actually be quite nice.  
• Better food (kind of)- I mean most food you can find here and Indonesian food is pretty good anyway, but I really do love Australian food... Especially the snacks.

• Good coffee- Yea there's coffee everywhere, but the coffee in Melbourne is the best!

CONS

Blue

• Maybe will be miserable- Reverse culture shock could destroy me.

Purple

• So cold- I haven't experienced winter since 2012 so I don't know If I can survive it. :(

• Studying is boring/possibly not what I want to do- I think if something isn't 100% what you want, you'll have a hard time doing it properly and obviously a masters degree requires a great deal of focus and hard work. Also, I have never liked being a student.

• Expensive- I feel like I can't even afford to have fun. I mean Melbourne is super fun when you have money but when you can't go out for dinner or go to a cafe to chill because you're a poor uni kid, it's pretty sad.

• Some people I can't even imagine saying goodbye to- Leaving here would require weeks of sad goodbyes and crying and feeling like crap. Am I ready to do this?

• No traveling- Poor uni student problems again....

• Will be poor for 2 years (even poorer than in Indonesia)- And I'm used to being able to buy pretty much everything I want. So good luck with that...

• So difficult- It seems like it'll be a struggle both financially and emotionally. And again I've had it pretty good for four years so am I strong enough?

TOTAL=0 points (Sorry, Australia)

- 

A few weeks ago I made a decision. In the end, I decided to stay in Indonesia indefinitely. My decision was made slightly easier when I was offered a promotion at work which will give me new challenges (I am really excited about this). 

But, I'm still really sorry to all my friends and family in Australia that were expecting me to come back. I do feel really bad for my indecisiveness. I really hope I haven't let anyone down. I also want to apologise to my friends here and the people of Surabaya because I'm still going to be here annoying you. So sorry guys.

The thing that motivates me the most to stay here is that I'm happy. I'm not saying I couldn't be happy someplace else but I feel like happiness isn't guaranteed and if you have it you should hold onto it. I hope that my friends and family are able to find this kind of happiness too, doing whatever it is that makes you happy.

Thank you all so much for your ongoing support and for staying with me through my indecision and all the craziness of my life.  

Normal post to follow on Friday. :)